*This article is a part of the the Fall 2011 Joke Issue: Real Housewives of 34th Street.
Hello, darlings! Katrina Von Humboldt here! Listen, I know you crazy kids think you're having a fabulous time at Penn, but back when I was at school here we really knew how to party. When we weren't studying for our COMM finals in the Von Humboldt study lounge (you know the one on the thirteenth floor of Van Pelt), we split our time between the Hall and Smokey Joe's, and did more than our fair share of dancing to Kweder… is he still there? Of course he is!
Listen, babes. My sorority sisters and I really knew how to live it up back in those days. What's that you ask? Oh, I can't say what sorority I was in, but let's just say they always let ME B ME, if you know what I mean. ;) This one time just as the weather started to warm up again, my gal pal, Jen Eisenberg, and I were "painting our nails" at the Bio Pond and got the silliest case of the giggles, ya know? Anyway, I went skinny dipping (the pond was much cleaner in those days) and crazy old Jen wandered into Wawa and ate, oh I don't know, like 7000 Tastykakes AND a cheddar–stuffed pretzel. She regretted that one later — barely fit into her formal dress, the poor dear. She still found herself a well–off Wharton boy after a few trips to the gym, so don't you worry about her! The nose job certainly didn't hurt either…
Okay, kids, I know you don't want to hear an old lady like me gabbing about her sex life, but you've got me going and I just can't help myself! The date was February 16, 1981; the time was 1:37 a.m., and I was still a virgin, but not for long! Ever the princess, it's all too appropriate that I did the deed for the first time at the Castle. Can't you just picture it? He was 6'2", built like an real man, and from a very good family, of course. I don't want to give too much away, but he comes from a long line of British nobility. He was the IV, no less! I still rememer… dark chocolate egyptian cotton, 1200 count (and not a thread less!) Ralph Lauren sheets and a coordinated cashmere throw. Shh, don't tell my husband… or my boyfriend… or the pool boy! They'd be so jealous. Oh dear, I think I've had one too many Merlots. I should stop talking before I say something unladylike. Ta ta, lovebugs!
xoxo, Katrina
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