Lowbrow

Tomorrow, the shit hits the fan. And I'm really scared for it. You see, my family is coming to town for the weekend - yes, the entire weekend.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

So there we stood, two very white, very dirty frat boys dressed in layer upon layer of sweat pants and hoodies doing our best Stay-Puff-Marshmellow man impressions, having been fooled into camping out at the Electric Factory for Foo Fighters tickets.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

Meeting held in Chinatown to dispel myth that SARS can be contracted by only Asians -- The meeting was successful, and closed with a unanimous declaration that despite SARS, Asians are still better at math than anyone else.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

An Interview with Ross Clark by Patrick Swayze 34th Street Magazine, is a magazine perpetually under attack for "making shit up." As a journalist, I wanted to get to the heart of the issue and find out whether this weekly tabloid was about fact or fabrication when it comes to interviewing celebrities.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

Richard Marx is haunting me. An insomniac, it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep. Better yet, I often awake in the middle of the night -- five, six o'clock -- still tired and wanting to fall into a heavy sleep cycle, and always -- well not always, but unnervingly often -- with Richard Marx, anguished and melancholy in my skull.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

Rusty Fein disqualified from elections for violating campaign rules by spending above the $50 limit -- Apparently, he used the money for "illicit campaign activities." Note to NEC: providing candidates with personal interns would solve this problem. Aaron Short entertains election meeting by singing parody song he wrote about election campaigns -- He may have lost the election for UA Chair, but hey, UA Minstrel is a close second. Jason Levy gets most votes for SAS representative to UA -- When asked why, he replied, "I think it's due to taking off my shirt at all the football games.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

In a hotly contested battle, Sean Foley lost the election for President of the Class of 2005 to incumbent Jack Cohen, in a disputed decision.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

I thought if I discussed vibrators enough, if I kissed enough people, if I forced myself to use the word penis in conversation at least three times a week, one day things might be different.
April 3, 2003 at 12:00 am

Inspired by the now infamous Vagina Monologues men everywhere have demanded that dicks be recognized for their beauty, elegance, and inherent child-producing capabilities: these are the Cock and Balls Dialogue.
April 3, 2003 at 12:00 am

Spanish man dies after attaching a battery to his penis -- Really, it's not my bag, baby. Defendant moons judge after being sentenced to eight years in prison for aggravated assault -- Apparently, he had dropped the soap. Former prostitutes want to turn Mustang Ranch into museum -- And yes, admission will be by the hour. The Daily Pennsylvanian puts out joke issue filled with hilarious inaccuracies -- Except this time, it was on purpose. Restaurant owner arrested for offering 17-year-old waitress $1,000 to sleep with him -- And you thought we wouldn't have a pedophile joke this week. Geraldo Rivera expelled from Iraq for giving away details of military operation, says that MSNBC is making up the story to get back at him -- My god, this might affect the reputation of both Geraldo Rivera and Fox News. Washington State lawmakers introduce resolution asking people to boycott French wines in favor of Washington State wines -- Said those Washington State lawmakers, "All the free samples had nothing to do with our decision to make total asses of ourselves."
April 3, 2003 at 12:00 am

In this time of war, I've been reflecting on what it means to be an American. As our troops are out fighting in the field, it seems that we have all decided that it's time to be patriotic.
April 3, 2003 at 12:00 am

For those of you who weren't at the poetry reading dedicated to Biopond -- held this past week at the Kelly Writers House -- 34th Street presents a selection of the presented poetry. An Ode to Biopond Oh, Biopond You fill my days with sweet smoke. Sometimes, when I take a hit, I cough so hard I choke. I buy weed until I'm broke. It's healthier than coke. -- Potty McPott Why I Love Biopond Roses are red, Violets are blue, Biopond, I love you. -- Wesley Pipes A Haiku to Biopond Biopond beautiful Hard to write many pretty haiku When stoned from bong rips. -- Whitney Houston Untitled child! grown to man clouds like cars hurt your head -- Cheech I'm a Sensitive Young Poet As a young man I Rode in cars Climbed fences And trees. I ran from RA's And I brought a bowl to biopond. Sat with my girlfriend. Oh, why do you still tempt me so? Your eyes were so blue, The smoke was so grey. Can everyone feel my pain? Seriously. I find it helps me to get girls When I write poetry about how sad I am. Too bad that with it I fucked up Biopond for everyone The cops will come now. -- Arty Farty A Response to the Haiku to Biopond I'll smack you, woman I swear to God that I will Stupid getting caught with drugs. -- Bobby Brown More Haiku to Biopond Psychic Friends Network Couldn't predict I would get busted Least it was good shit. -- Dionne Warwick In da Biopond Go! Go! Go shorty! It's your birthday! We gonna party like it's your birthday! We gonna go to Biopond like it's your birthday! And you know we don't give a fuck! It's not your birthday! -- Random drunk girl in Billybob's Harmless? I thought TV lie But now I cry I smoked weed Now I'm pregnant, yes indeed. -- Penn Freshman
April 3, 2003 at 12:00 am

This week my dad announced that he is running for Congress. I'm really hoping that he wins. While the fact that he could potentially be shaping national policy is thrilling enough in itself, I'm more excited about what the whole thing means for me.
March 27, 2003 at 12:00 am

Even though I was afraid to buy lunchmeat when my mom would send me to the corner deli, I wasn't a shy kid.
March 27, 2003 at 12:00 am

Sheep stabbed in high school classroom -- Apparently, two sheep were in an agriculture classroom when two men entered, stabbed the sheep with a pitchfork and beat them.
March 27, 2003 at 12:00 am

We should ban you from watching MTV." My roommate has come home to find me, once again, a drooling blob on the couch, my dog next to me, watching Sorority Life. Hi, my name is Alex, and I'm addicted to reality shows on MTV.
March 20, 2003 at 12:00 am

I have never been to jail. Nor am I planning on visiting one of these fine institutions anytime in the near future.
March 20, 2003 at 12:00 am

Tell us how you really feel, Amy G.
January 1, 1970 at 7:00 am

Facebook activism and real–life activism are the same thing, right?
January 1, 1970 at 1:00 am