Lowbrow

J-Lo's got nothing on the bodacious bevy of big beautiful butts that make sandwiches at Wawa. Those ladies are horrendously big boned.
October 2, 2003 at 12:00 am

I love football. There's nothing better than sitting down at the bar on a Sunday afternoon and watching all 10 one o'clock games while screaming at the top of your lungs about how the refs blew that last call or that last call was blown by the refs or that incompletion two plays ago was the fault of the refs. Even though the Eagles are 0-2 so far this year, that hasn't lessened my love for the real national pastime.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

I masturbate in public. Not constantly. Not even that frequently. Maybe once a month. Unless I find a new place to try out.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

Over lunch yesterday, my roommate quipped about a rather dramatic contingent of our social circle, "Being friends with those three is like being friends with US Weekly." While I'm not entirely sure how one becomes friends with a magazine, I can tell you this: I wish there was a little more US Weekly material at Penn. In our attempt to gather "dirt" for a gossip column for the "Stijl" section this week, we came up empty-handed.
September 25, 2003 at 12:00 am

While I may lack the accent and beige hot pants of famed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin, this doesn't mean that I am any less of a scientist.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

Top Gun is the gayest movie ever made. Gayest movie ever. So like the entire movie should be seen as this allegory about one man's struggle with his sexuality.
September 18, 2003 at 12:00 am

I would say "Welcome Back," but I feel like I never really left you. Wherever I went -- from the sidewalks of the East Village to the shores of the Bahamas -- you were right behind me, stalking me every step of the way.
September 11, 2003 at 12:00 am

Well, this is it--the last issue of the summer. As this publication ends, I can see the end of my summer coming up quickly.
July 31, 2003 at 12:00 am

Hey. Psst. Wanna hear a secret? These letters that I write every week, they're not very funny. They're not even written well.
July 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

I have failed you, my loyal readers. "No!" You scream. "Say it ain't so, Alex!" And then you sob, "Say it ain't so." Well, it's so.
July 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

Requirements?" I asked aloud of no one in particular as I sat alone reading an email from my advisor late last fall.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

@Headline 36pt:Scene: The Spectaguard office in the upper Quad Characters: Spectaguard John (Hardick Mcfucksalot), Jenny Goldsteinbergman (Misty Snow), Lucy Chintakisoya (Wan Itonmai-Chin) [Misty comes to the upper quad turnstile at 4 am on Saturday night after having been drinking with some of her girlfriends.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

Class of '03 in da hizz-ouz...Sink or Swim? We sank!!!..."I do what I want"...Ghetto Quad...TCCICCUR2G2B4G10...TMJ + MSM: Tru Luv Waits...Bros B4 Ho's...Pukin' At The Deck...Fling of '99...Twattin' it up at CosŒ...No Tips for BM at BB's...Cancun!!!...Penn Madness Group (oral favors do not guarantee victory)...Seniors Rule...Shoot for the sun and you might hit a star! Oh my God, so I'm totally like, NOT graduating.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

Penn Vice Provost and Library Director turns himself in for suspected child porn -- Ironically, this finally proves that the Internet is better than a library for finding material you want. Philadelphia woman and boyfriend convicted after becoming too physical in 12 year old's sex education -- Which is too bad, because Street always wanted our sex ed.
April 24, 2003 at 12:00 am

Tomorrow, the shit hits the fan. And I'm really scared for it. You see, my family is coming to town for the weekend - yes, the entire weekend.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

So there we stood, two very white, very dirty frat boys dressed in layer upon layer of sweat pants and hoodies doing our best Stay-Puff-Marshmellow man impressions, having been fooled into camping out at the Electric Factory for Foo Fighters tickets.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

Meeting held in Chinatown to dispel myth that SARS can be contracted by only Asians -- The meeting was successful, and closed with a unanimous declaration that despite SARS, Asians are still better at math than anyone else.
April 17, 2003 at 12:00 am

An Interview with Ross Clark by Patrick Swayze 34th Street Magazine, is a magazine perpetually under attack for "making shit up." As a journalist, I wanted to get to the heart of the issue and find out whether this weekly tabloid was about fact or fabrication when it comes to interviewing celebrities.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

Richard Marx is haunting me. An insomniac, it sometimes takes me hours to fall asleep. Better yet, I often awake in the middle of the night -- five, six o'clock -- still tired and wanting to fall into a heavy sleep cycle, and always -- well not always, but unnervingly often -- with Richard Marx, anguished and melancholy in my skull.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am

Rusty Fein disqualified from elections for violating campaign rules by spending above the $50 limit -- Apparently, he used the money for "illicit campaign activities." Note to NEC: providing candidates with personal interns would solve this problem. Aaron Short entertains election meeting by singing parody song he wrote about election campaigns -- He may have lost the election for UA Chair, but hey, UA Minstrel is a close second. Jason Levy gets most votes for SAS representative to UA -- When asked why, he replied, "I think it's due to taking off my shirt at all the football games.
April 10, 2003 at 12:00 am