Lowbrow

Well here it is. I've spent the last four years of my life writing that same A-/B+ paper over and over again to finally obtain that coveted Ivy League diploma, or what my therapist calls a "passport." These four boring years of exploiting our society's legitimate (and very expensive) means of social uplift have been at a considerable cost to my ego and my erstwhile career as a teenage pop idol back in Baltimore.
March 25, 2004 at 12:00 am

Is it ethical for a man with a bionic eye to play baseball? This is the question I was asked approximately 45,000 times from Thursday to Saturday by CBS in a promo for some new show which, despite repeated admonishments to watch, I never caught the name of. While I doubt that by the year 2030 there will be some sort of bionic eye debate in baseball, such a debate would be interesting.
March 25, 2004 at 12:00 am

I'm back. I know, I know, you probably didn't realize I was gone. But seriously, I was. I was in Costa Rica, in fact, for a cousin's wedding.
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

I quit smoking at least 15 times a day. On good days, my abstinence lasts two hours; on bad days, two minutes.
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

George W. Bush and I are pen pals. We've been sending cards and drawings back and forth for almost seven months now.
March 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

I am a goy. It's true, so I might as well confess. As an Episcopalian hailing from the great state of North Carolina, my prior knowledge of Judaism came mostly from the Old Testament.
February 26, 2004 at 12:00 am

I've never been so frustrated in my life. And that is saying a lot -- I once threw salt in my best friend's eyes because I was confused about a riddle he was telling me.
February 26, 2004 at 12:00 am

The other day my friend Ariel and I hosted a negativity party. This sounds bad, but it was not. I am bored, so parties excite me. There are times in my life when I am just ready to get where I am going.
February 26, 2004 at 12:00 am

In high school all of my friends got into the whole AIM thing fairly early on. They would say to me, "When are you going to get AIM?" "AIM is awesome," or, "The other day I was talking to ____ on AIM and he/she said _____!
February 26, 2004 at 12:00 am

I am not the cool person you may have thought me to be. In fact, I used to be a dork. Even today, some of my coolness is a put-on.
February 19, 2004 at 12:00 am

Bye bye. Love you. Eat blue sheep poop." Sometimes it's different. Sometimes it's, "Bye bye. Love you.
February 19, 2004 at 12:00 am

1. Your cell phone goes off in class. You: a. Wait. This would never happen. You always turn it off before class. b.
February 19, 2004 at 12:00 am

Kalen Lister. Prettiest smile. Lucy Gallun. Well, it's just a side view-profile shot, but she looks really attractive.
February 19, 2004 at 12:00 am

A friend once suggested that if I really hated vegetarians I should walk around campus with a cow in tow.
February 12, 2004 at 12:00 am

CAVEAT: The views expressed in the following belong only to the individuals submitting the ads and do not necessarily reflect the views of 34th Street Magazine and its editors.
February 12, 2004 at 12:00 am

A great man once said that, "Love is like a box of chocolates -- by the time you get to the creamy ones, you've already hit it with all the nuts and you're just plain sick of the whole thing." Or something like that -- I've never been good with accuracy, which is probably why the DP never lets me write for them.
February 12, 2004 at 12:00 am

We've all done things we regret. President Bush did something he regrets, and now he's president of the United States instead of commmisioner of Major League Baseball.
February 5, 2004 at 12:00 am

I'm not really a political person. Sure, I try to stay informed, but the majority of my world news comes from skimming articles on the Internet and The Daily Show. I'm more into local news shows, i.e.
February 5, 2004 at 12:00 am

Have no fear. The situation may look bleak as you now stand alone, exiled from the Greek community. But let's be honest.
February 5, 2004 at 12:00 am

Postcards are a complicated matter. First, you have to find the perfect picture for the picture side.
February 5, 2004 at 12:00 am