Lowbrow

To the girl with the uneven boobs in my physics class: from the right side you look hot, but from the left you look like my grandma. To the guy who fell off his bike on Spruce St.: even though I asked if you were OK, I was laughing my ass off on the inside. To Gary Lundy in ARTH001, what I would do to you in a room without windows and a world without consequences?
November 18, 2004 at 12:00 am

I am quite possibly the most innocent person you will ever meet. This is reinforced for me on a daily basis here at Penn, but never have I been so acutely aware of my innocence as I was the first day of my Criminology class.
November 11, 2004 at 12:00 am

I signed up for classes recently. Normally, advance registration is a happy time for me. It's a time when I realize that the one or two terrible classes I inevitably have each semester are drawing to a close, a time to have a few beers and drunkenly plan my future.
November 11, 2004 at 12:00 am

My life as I know it started with My Girl. That movie was a wake-up call. When I saw Macaulay Culkin get stung by those bees and die, I realized that I, too, might have a fatal allergy to bee stings, and might not even know it until I got stung by a bee and died.
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

1) Yikes, you're ugly! Let's just pretend it's a costume. 2) Are you tired? Because I've been running through your nightmares all week. 3) All my roommates are out, so we can have the haunted house to ourselves. 4) Do you want to do the monster mash? 5) Is that broomstick built for two? 6) If you show me your Mounds, I'll show you my Almond Joy. 7) So what are you going to be for Halloween -- my date? 8) Nice pumpkins -- mind if I give them a carving? 9) If you'd like to be a part of my ghost costume, I would definitely let you come under my sheets. 10) You know, I don't think you look slutty at all...
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

"I was in the middle of taking a shit in my bathroom when I realized there wasn't any toilet paper. Knowing there were extra rolls in the kitchen, I decided to take desperate measures.
November 4, 2004 at 12:00 am

A lot of people view the beginning of college as a social clean slate. But it's not true. If I have to hear one more person say "college is great because people just accept you for who you are," I'm going to flip a shit.
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 am

I tried to write a funny column this week; I tried for a couple days, actually. I failed, but, hey, it's not like I'm ever that funny anyway. I failed because I was writing about things that might normally interest me -- gambling, for instance, and my housemates' obsession with it, or pardoning Ashlee Simpson for her lip-synching.
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 am

23 years ago, my mother and father got married. Then they had my brother and me. However, my father's fast-paced life as a racecar driver and my mom's conservative life as a bank teller didn't mesh well, so they got divorced when I was five.
October 14, 2004 at 12:00 am

Not many people -- especially my friends -- believe this, but I used to be a sweet kid. No, seriously.
October 14, 2004 at 12:00 am

Just when saying "I'm 21" stopped sounding weird, only a few days stand between me and 22. Secretly, it pains me to admit that I am turning 22, since getting older stopped being fun at 18.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

Scenario 1: In an obvious yet profitable move, J. Ro planned to capitalize on the similarities between her and J.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

I have finally done it. I started to doubt myself. I started to wonder if it could be done. But I've finally done it.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

1) You look at them the wrong way. 2) Their outfits don't match. 3) Pimp Juice gets in their eyes. 4) You step on their Gucci shoes. 5) You step on their Gucci feet. 6) You try to become part of their entourage. 7) You call them Eazy. 8) They can't spend money unnecessarily. 9) They wake up and realize they got screwed by some prick from Wharton. 10) Their social legitimacy and overall persona are questioned. 11) It rains and their hair gets ruined. 12) You can't understand what they're saying.
October 7, 2004 at 12:00 am

At what point do we accept failure? I don't mean that as some sort of deep philosophical question. I've just been thinking lately -- we are all reasonably intelligent and motivated people, or we wouldn't be at Penn, right?
September 30, 2004 at 12:00 am

College is really about being a junior. Freshman year is about being a freshman, and meeting people, and crying a lot.
September 30, 2004 at 12:00 am

The Compass The Compass was actually the first frisbee used in a game of "Ultimate." When the University was founded, they had nary a tool to produce efficient flying discs; thus, they had to construct this one out of marble.
September 30, 2004 at 12:00 am

Dear New Delhi Indian Restaurant, Firstly, let me say this: you guys fucking rule. I dare not imagine Penn without your venerable establishment; why, the mere thought arouses in me tremors of fear.
September 30, 2004 at 12:00 am

I'm getting old. I can't deny that. In fact, I'm willing to admit it. Yes, a barber did tell me I was thinning this summer.
September 23, 2004 at 12:00 am

I hereby proclaim myself King of the Colorless -- sovereign over all those with Casper-quality complexions -- for I am the whitest of all.
September 23, 2004 at 12:00 am