Humor

Jerry Herman, 18, was inducted into Castle two weeks after arriving at Penn. The reason for his premature induction was, to quote, “enormous potential…[based off] his exemplary and unorthodox use of boat shoes and Kraft mac and cheese during NSO.” Samantha Liu, 19, friended every person in the official Class of 2016 Facebook group, then friended their friends, then friended their friends, then friended their families, then their professors, and then their professors’ friends, like a loco one–woman Ponzi scheme.
September 27, 2012 at 5:21 am

September 27, 2012 at 5:17 am

September 20, 2012 at 5:58 am

These freshmen belong together, whether they know it or not.
September 18, 2012 at 5:31 am

Dear Froshies, NSO is like a dream come true, isn’t it? Finally, you get the independence you craved, the popularity you deserved and the alcohol poisoning you earned — truly, an experience like no other.
September 13, 2012 at 5:57 am

Look how far these 2009 superlatives have come! We’re just...we’re just so proud.
September 13, 2012 at 5:48 am

Because the only thing that defines you more than your GPA is your attitude toward Summer.
July 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm

The new you needs a new summer joke repertoire.
May 24, 2012 at 6:00 am

To my friend who blacked out over Spring Break and screamed about her Grandma Roda: Jamaica will always remember how “she kept those ghetto kids in check.” To our roommate who had sex on the kitchen table: There are some things you just don’t send out on the house textserv. To my little: You are one HUP trip away from being their Foursquare mayor. To the football player I brought back to Quad: Looks like you caught more than just touchdowns this year. To the central staircase in College Hall: Thank you and 3rd floor classes for getting my ass into shape. To the girl I always see wearing black on Locust: From one curvy woman to another slightly curvier woman, black is indeed slimming…but it doesn’t work miracles. To the guy who lived in Speakman three years ago that I promised I’d have sex with under the Button my senior year: How’s next Thursday at midnight? To the Indian ultimate frisbee player: Next time, I’ll let you score in both endzones. To the chubby kid who masturbates in the Huntsman bathroom stalls: “Vigorous wiping” is only plausible for the first 10 seconds. To SPEC: You think you’re a Mr. Know–It–All, but all we wanted was A Moment Like This.
April 19, 2012 at 6:00 am

April 19, 2012 at 5:57 am

Front: Dude… Back: …Pull my flinger Front: Hey, I just met you Back: And this is maximal crazy Front: We put the ë in Tiësto! Back: Higher, and higher and higher! Front: I’m with Drunk  Back: I’m with Sleepyhead Front: We can be your Little Secrets Back: Shiksas 2012
April 12, 2012 at 5:56 am

1. That kid who stinks up the classroom with his McDonald’s bacon–egg–and–cheese every Tuesday and Thursday. 2. The pregnant Copa hostess that never remembers who came through the door first. 3. The only bouncer at Smoke’s who asks for a legit second form of identification. 4. The kids who fall asleep in the VP carrels when you really need one. 5. Allegro’s, for having “whenever I feel like it” hours. 6. Your roommate who sleeps with the lights on. 7. Douchey trust–fund babies who set the market price of Fling floor passes at $800. 8. All the people on campus having more sex than you are. 9. Your Molly dealer who couldn’t deliver before Fling because he had a problem set due. 10. The Russian Lowbrow editor from Brooklyn.
April 12, 2012 at 5:43 am

April 12, 2012 at 5:42 am

While some of you rush home to hunt for painted eggs with your six–year–old cousins, Lowbrow’s bringing the search to you — word search that is.
April 5, 2012 at 5:35 am

April 5, 2012 at 5:21 am

Reasons Your Potential Employers Haven’t Gotten Back to You
April 5, 2012 at 5:03 am

Ellie Ruben’s art debuts in the halls of Penn Alexander’s lower school. Street takes a closer look.
March 29, 2012 at 5:46 am

March 29, 2012 at 5:43 am

Place a Chipotle burrito on the table. Gently twist off the orange cap of the Elmer’s Glue and turn the bottle upside–down, allowing for the viscous white liquid to make its way in a vertical motion down to the tip.
March 29, 2012 at 5:36 am

Local ingredients and a great salsa selection
March 29, 2012 at 5:36 am