This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014
So your daddy, in his infinite wisdom, decided to slash your Sweet Sixteen food budget in half, for stupid reasons like “a hundred grand is enough to feed anyone , plus the entire nation Papua of New Guinea” and “I already own all the Pizza Huts in the tri–state area.
Every Thanksgiving since Daddy Bush took office, one lucky turkey is spared the chopping block and allowed to live out its life on a farm, fucking other turkeys and generally doing turkey things. Here are 5 other foods we wish would be put out to pasture.
I went through eating trends. For example, the period where I only ate oatmeal for every meal. Or the period where I ate nothing till 4 p.m. and then, like clockwork, I ate everything I could find, only to throw it up half an hour later.
Baking is a part of my identity, but it's also a part of my genes. My great-grandmother passed down her recipes to my grandmother, who handed them off to my mother, who is now teaching them to me.