At Street, we care about craftsmanship, and I’d like to think we'd like to think we can tell a good bag from a bad one—an authentic piece from a Canal Street counterfeit. We're also avid Locust–watchers. When we see your bag, we don’t just see you. I’m scrutinizing the stitch counts and the burnishing, the plated bag straps and the hue of the hardware. Before we make eye contact, we've scanned the leather’s finish, whether it’s pebbled caviar or woven intrecciato, panel–quilted black or patent leather. Don’t even get us started on tweed. And those pesky monograms? They tell us all we need to know. So it pains me when we see a decent bag put to dubious ends—i.e., paired with a wack fit!
These are our observations from many semesters of SABSing and seething. And we have some decrees for you, dear reader. In many ways, the parade of handbags, each accompanied by an unsettling price tag, is representative of Penn's social scene—infinitely desirable and dizzyingly expensive. The irony of toting a $2,000 bag stuffed with a pristine edition of Das Kapital while headed to your economic theory class is simply too much to bear. Instead, we will bask in our lowbrow critiques of the bags in question.
Classic. You like convenience. Matcha lattes, wide–leg jeans, slip–ons to class. Maybe even a biweekly quinoa bowl. Nothing about this bag stands out—which is why I’ll tolerate it.
Price Range: $130–700
Thou shalt not wear obnoxious inscriptions! Burn it!
Price Range: $175–450
Move over, cookie–cutter leather totes. This bag is modeled on the grungy motocross aesthetic—which might explain why I saw it being swung around with machine–like fury at a St. Patty’s darty. High–end leather bag, meet watermelon White Claw. Hope you get along!
Price Range: $800–7,500
“Open, sesame,” and stay that way. This bag promises endless space. Sounds practical, right? Think again: LV’s capacious carryalls are, by design, impossible to close. And that monogram is really starting to grate. We’re heading into a recession, no?
Price Range: $850–3,000
At $2,000 a pop, these glorified beach bags have inexplicably become a campus staple. I like a handpainted pattern as much as the next fashion hag—but the Goyard tote has the look and feel of a camping tent. For its hefty size and lack of structure, I’ll pass. To put it bluntly, it’s a mommy bag.
Price Range: $1,600–2,500
Oh, Bottega. The fashion house that can do no wrong, the uncontested masters of artistic understatement. Their trademark woven leather, crafted for durability, is a wonder to behold. A point of faith: the lucky few will be rewarded with a Jodie clutch in the afterlife. Sinners will get a crossbody.
Price Range: $1,300–5,500
I have a soft spot for Polène and their simple, supple silhouettes. I first discovered this brand the old–fashioned way: witnessing shoals of buyers queuing at their flagship Paris boutique with a desperation that recalled a Soviet breadline. Those people were onto something. Minimal lines, subtle earth hues, and fine material (sinfully soft Italian calf) lend the Cyme an irresistible Gallic flair.
Price Range: $370–550
No complaints here. These bags are chic, functional, and comparatively affordable. And unlike other items on this list, they’re made of vegan leather, making them a safe purchase for anyone (not me fsfs) afraid of eternal damnation. Let the indie boys have their cake and eat it, too.
Price Range: $80–300
9. Bonus Round: The Row, Margaux 15
Spotted from afar in Huntsman, snug in the hands of a fashion–forward international. How to approach this rare bird, a well–heeled young man with a taste for bespoke leather?
“Hey, [member of esteemed fraternal organization]. What are you up to tonight?”
“Oh, nothing crazy. Chilling with the boys in [Hague–sanctioned black site], then we’ll probably get down to the usual [rum, buggery, and the lash]. Catch you later.”
Price Range: $5,500–7,000
Now that you’ve been forewarned, no fashion infractions will be tolerated. If you treat Penn’s main thoroughfare like your personal catwalk, be prepared to have your sartorial choices scrutinized. And for the love of all that is holy, be bold! Recall that Coco Chanel famously asked Pourquoi pas?
We are all rooting for you. Air kisses and good luck.
