FROM: americanstudent@iamamerican.kgb.com
TO: quadsecurity@upenn.edu
SUBJECT: Entering the Quad as an AMERICAN student during “Fling”
Dear Sir/Madam,
My name is Johnny Appleseed and I am an American (NOT RUSSIAN) student who attends American University in Kansas, close to where Dorothy lives. I am 100% American which I can prove from my love for steak and hatred for borscht. Also, I am fat.
Since I am American I have great love for American President Donald Trump. I am hoping to visit his tremendous school during this week of drug abuse I am told is “Spring Fling.” How may I gain entry into the “Quad” for this wonderful festivities? I am only hoping to see musical groups without instruments you call a cappella (why do you do this) and have no plans to wiretap the dorms of your students.
Please let me know how I can enter.
Best,
George Washington
FROM: quadsecurity@upenn.edu
TO: americanstudent@iamamerican.kgb.com
RE: Entering the Quad as an AMERICAN student during “Fling”
Dear Mr. Washington,
Unfortunately, no one may enter the Quad without a Level 5 security clearance approved by the FBI, CIA and State Department. Even if you had that, you would not be able to bring in any personal belongings even if you live here and have to enter and leave the Quad on a regular basis.
There are no exceptions to these rules.
Apologetically,
Jennifer Keating
FROM: americanstudent@iamamerican.kgb.com
TO: quadsecurity@upenn.edu
RE: re: Entering the Quad as an AMERICAN student during “Fling”
Dear “Jennifer,”
I reply to you as I drive down American highway listening to American classic musician Celine Dion.
I believe you have been brainwashed by Hillary Clinton—or as you call her, Amy Gutmann. I can help if you send me your Social Security #, IP Address and password to your email. I am only trying to help a group of Nigerian princesses get to Fling and definitely not trying to hack Penn mainframe in the name of Supreme Leader Vladimir Putin.
Also please provide me with your home address. This is for me to send you a thank you note and not for KGB agents to assassinate you in your sleep.
With love for our glorious President Donald Russian minion Trump,
George Washington
FROM: quadsecurity@upenn.edu
TO: americanstudent@iamamerican.kgb.com
RE: re: re: Entering the Quad as an AMERICAN student during “Fling”
Dear Mr. Washington,
As I told you, the United Nations Secretary General himself must approve every person who wants to enter the Quad during Spring Fling. Additionally, you must submit yourself to a surgery to implant a tracking device in your skull and be willing to be constantly watched while you enjoy the weekend.
Good luck in Kansas!
Jennifer
FROM: americanstudent@iamamerican.kgb.com
TO: quadsecurity@upenn.edu
RE: re: re: re: Entering the Quad as an AMERICAN student during “Fling”
Jennifer,
My deepest apologies. I did not realize that your surveillance operations in the Quad during Fling would be so advanced. Are you sure this Quad is not in Moscow?
It looks like you have everything handled. Please send all your surveillance data to stevebannon@whitehouse.gov.
George Washington
