Like most millennials, I'm addicted to my phone. When I joined a Balinese yoga cult this summer, I went a month without my laptop and I barely checked my phone. It was easier to digitally detox there: I was distracted by alternate nostril breathing and finding enlightenment. But as soon as I got back to Penn, I fell into my old habits. I often wonder what it would be like to digitally detox at Penn, so in the name of journalism I put my phone away for the weekend.
Friday
10:17 p.m.: I didn't get any of my friend's "sorry, running late" texts so I'm at Smokes' solo, vigorously de–linting my shirt and wondering how people coped before technology.
10:28 p.m.: Seated dancing while double–fisting pizza: my specialty.
12:56 p.m.: Dance floor serenades me to "Sweet Caroline."
1:11 a.m.: Find a comfortable couch at a frat party. Nap time!
1:15 a.m.: Concerned friends deduce my location and interrupt my nap, ugh.
1:39 a.m.: Run into a DFMO from last year. Scream the song lyric "It started out with a kiss / how did it end up like this."
2:04 a.m.: Do Happy Baby Pose on my friend's couch, wonder aloud what would happen if I started doing yoga at a party.
2:12 a.m.: I can't UberEATS Wishbone because I don't have my phone. Why did I subject myself to this?
2:13 a.m.: Am overcome with the urge to check Snapchat.
2:30 a.m.: Break my no–phone rule to make my snapchat story a painting of a peacock. I won't regret this in the morning.
Saturday
11:21 a.m.: No phone so I show up at my friend's apartment at a random, unspecified time.
11:24 a.m.: Make banana pancakes while listening to "Banana Pancakes."
3:47 p.m.: Definitely wouldn't have read a 225–page novel for class if social media had been distracting me.
4:06 p.m.: Feel lonely and disconnected. Want to check Facebook. Surprise friends in Rodin and drag them to Capo with me.
5:30 p.m.: Without my phone I have so much free time. What do I do with all this free time?! Consider taking up knitting.
6:15 p.m.: Channel excess free time into cooking myself sundried tomato chicken penne.
12:04 a.m.: I love making new friends through the art of dance. At this point I'm essentially a grad student at St. Joe's. Only problem is I can't text any of my new friends.
12:43 a.m.: Delicately sip a Long Island while musing about The Triumph of Bacchus (1628).
1:22 a.m.: Aminé's "Caroline" comes on so naturally I destroy the dance floor.
1:45 a.m.: "2 Phones" comes on. Smokes' is sadistic.
2:09 a.m.: Relieved friends find me and direct me safely to Allegro's.
Sunday
11:50 a.m.: Digital detoxes are so overrated. Scroll through Instagram while waiting in line at Saxby's.
Final Thoughts: Going a weekend without your phone is both unpractical and unsafe. Falling off the grid is nice if you're on a yoga retreat, have avocado tattoos, wear exclusively patterned harem pants and incline towards all things bohemian. But unfortunately most of us live in cities and go to Penn. Don't try this one at home, kids.
