Whether during 4k parties, Quad pre–games or simply the long stretch of month at the end of your money, you have probably suffered the vile experience of forcing battery–acidesque liquid from a plastic bottle down your throat. Some people even have the audacity to call this substance vodka. Among these lethal brands are Banker's, Barton’s and Vladimir, which can be found as cheap as $7.99. Although you can save nearly $50 by settling for one of these rather than Ciroc, you end up paying the difference in horrid tastes and painful burns. Tired of the unpleasantness I constantly withstood just to save cash, I ambitiously (and slightly desperately) set out to test the rumor that putting Banker's through a Brita filter improves the taste.
The theory is a plausible one—vodka is really just a mixture of water and alcohol made by the fermentation of grains. Vodka is typically distilled three times through a filter before it is bottled and shipped off. Simply put, distillation is the filtering of a liquid through heating and cooling. Since water is one of the main components comprising vodka, filtration of vodka is very similar to that of water. Filters such as Brita pitchers are made to remove zinc and different traces of metal from water. One of the main reasons why vodkas such as Grey Goose, Belvedere and Ketel One taste better is because they are filtered more times through better and more thorough filters. The top–shelf vodkas are also typically filtered by humans rather than an assembly line of machines. Obviously, these brands are using industrial–strength filters, not just Brita, but one can theorize that if we filter cheap vodka through a filter enough times, then it will taste better. We put this logic to the test with a handle of Bankers and a Brita filter.
After some time away from Penn frat parties, I took a shot of regular Bankers to remind myself of the taste and to get a baseline for our experiment. (You might question my credibility, judgement and coolness here, but I recruited a few friends as both witnesses and drinking buddies). I then filtered the vodka four times before reaching my Banker's capacity, taking a test shot after each filtration.
Data
0 filtrations: Yep, in case you forgot, Banker's is still fucking disgusting.
1 filtration: The metallic–ness of the taste is diminished, though I can’t say it drastically improved. The burning sensation is slightly (very slightly) reduced.
2 filtrations: Not much change.
3 filtrations: Nothing too different but this is starting to suck.
4 filtrations: Now I’m feeling buzzed and my throat is on fire.
Conclusion
Sadly, the results of this experiment did not support my potentially life–changing hypothesis to the degree I had hoped. While this process successfully removes most of the gross metallic taste of cheap vodka, it certainly does not make it go down easier and I would not be fooled by a Grey Goose bottle. However, since each filtration takes less than five minutes, I highly recommend trying this process out at home. If you perfect the technique, please share with me because I’m balling on a budget.
