DCOMS are back, bitches. From Memorial Day Weekend through the month of June, Disney is airing our favorite Disney Channel Original Movies (hence the term DCOMs, for those who didn't have a childhood), and we're celebrating the best way we know how: by getting our staff drunk and recording our stream of consciousness. Here's one intrepid journalist's breakdown of "Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century", aka that movie that made the words "Zetus Lupetus!" permanent fixtures in your vocab.
9:00 pm: Sitting down with a bowl of ice cream and some nice wine I convinced my parents I needed because #journalism. Turn on Disney Channel (my love, my light), settle in.
IT BEGINS! And the graphics are already terrible. Drunk me is nevertheless very interested in the quality of movie graphics from 1999.
Fuck, this movie came out in 1999. I was four in 1999.Did my parents really let me watch this? How would I have even understood this?
The first Zenon slang word appears! Lunarious! Lunarious is cute slang, but if anyone in real life used it, I think I would slap them. This does not bode well for the rest of the movie.
OMG THE TITLE SEQUENCE IS JUST A BUNCH OF SHOTS OF SPACE BUT THE SPACE IS TERRIBLE
1999 CGI IS AMAZING
THE SPACE STATION LOOKS LIKE A CARTOON
OR LIKE A PANCAKE FLOATING IN SPACE
Zenon is late for school! What a quirky, happy-go-lucky type of girl. JK. Get to class on time, Z. It’s not hard, you live on a tiny ass space station.
Zenon is running to class in silver platform boots.
LMK where I can get silver platform boots. Honestly. I’d use them for a good purpose, not just for a Space Jam downtown.
Jk they’re platform sneakers. I’ve definitely already seen those at a Space Jam downtown.
RAVENNNNN aka NEBULAAAA enters in this scene and it’s amazing. They’re all learning about space history and space politics and the ~FUUUUTURE!~
Okay the hologram teacher just referenced their current president CHELSEA CLINTON and how her father previously held the office as well even Disney Channel is in on this Clinton Conspiracy we are all being dragged into a monarchy not a democracy WAKE UP SHEEPLE you are NO LONGER IN CONTROL OF YOUR POLITICAL DESTINY THIS IS THE END OF AMERICA
FUCK YES RAVEN is chatting with Zenon with her SLINKY HAIR TIES
Okay Zenon just mentioned Proto Zoa for the first time. My body is ready.
Okay, we’re in Zenon’s parents’ science lab. They are scientists? Okay.
Aight cool, there’s a rat floating in midair.
Oh cool, there’s a passed out old man too.
This is shady and does not look like it could be legal.
CONSPIRACY #2 PEOPLE Zenon’s parents are CRIMINALS who are living in SPACE to escape the consequences of their actions on EARTH LOCK THEM UP.
Zenon’s dad is hot.
Okay now we’re in a scene where Zenon and her friends want to do something rebellious and Zenon CHOOSES TO GO OUT IN SPACE IN A SPACE SUIT WHAT THE FUCK ZENON Jesus HW Christ!!!!!!
Her reason for doing it:
“Why be in the audience, Neb, if you have the chance to be center stage?"
BECAUSE THE STAGE IS FUCKING SPACE ZENON WHAT THE ACTUAL FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
What a rebellious asshole.
CGI coming in strong to make Zenon floating in space look like a cardboard cutout in a diorama.
Her mom is so mad at her she has to wear a stress helmet….and maybe go into something called the cool chamber? Missed it while ranting about how Hollywood casts actors as parents that are way too young and hot.
Zenon ily but the words major and minor used as adjectives to express goodness/terribleness is terrible.
Okay some time has passed. I'm drunk. I forgot to write stuff down. #Sorrynotsorry. Now the Microbe commercial is on and Protozoa is ON SCREEN and Supernova Girl is playing.
ZENON WINS THE CONTEST OKAY DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS A CONTEST BUT COOL.
“I wish it could have been the both of u,s” Zenon says to Nebula about them winning yeah nice try Z you know you wanted to win. That’s the kind of shit I would say to my friends when I got chosen first for soccer during recess.
Zenon trying to spy on the corporation dudes that come to the space station but she’s not even being smart about it, she’s just fucking rolling around in the air ducts ugh. Classic movie move, people hiding in air ducts.
Wait, who are the corporation dudes?
Wikipedia says they own the space station and are here to supposedly save it but really might hurt it. Okay.
Okay Zenon is still in the fucking air ducts. Let’s be honest she’s just being dumb at this point, she’s spying on them.
Aaaaand she got caught. Of course. As she should!
I sound like my mother.
Okay but also they are making it out that she did the bad thing (I don’t remember what the bad thing that the bad guys did at this point is) BUT SHE DIDN’T just like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It was the basilisk! Not Harry! How could he have even Petrified those people??? But no one believed him??? Off-topic but RELEVANT.
Lol her parents are “grounding” her but in this movie it means they’re sending her to Earth get it?? GROUNDING her??? Jokes!!!!
Zenon is scared to go to Earth. Suck it up Z, we’re all scared and/or depressed and/or unconfident down here.
Just said aloud “Wow, thank God I don’t live on a space station, not enough room to run around.” This makes no sense bc A) I rarely, if ever, run, and B) WHICH SPACE STATION WOULD YOU LIVE ON YOU COTTON HEADED NINNY MUGGINS.
Okay bitch is on Earth now dragging her feet acting like she’s not used to gravity THERE IS GRAVITY ON YOUR SPACE STATION FART FACE.
My simultaneous love and hate for this girl is overwhelming me.
Aunt Judy is here! AUNT JUDY! The flighty weird single mid 40s aunt that I definitely will become one day. My fave.
Aunt Judy: “I don’t get kids. I didn’t even get them when I was one.” damn right, Judy. Kids are confusing and gross.
Zenon’s love interest has been introduced and he is straight up eye fucking her. It’s amazing.
MARGIE THE BITCH IS HERE I LOVE YOU MARGIE I BOW DOWN TO YOU MARGIE.
Margie just asked if Zenon’s outfit was a Halloween costume.
ZENON JUST ASKED IF Margie’s face was a mask for her halloween costume.
TWEEN SASS X infinity!!!!!
Margie’s just being rude now. Forgot about this part. Fuck u, Marg.
You know what, it’s kind of endearing tho. Take it back, ily Marg.
Macro was just used as an adjective to describe something good. Onboard for this.
Another break where i forgot I had to write down my thoughts about this movie. To catch you up to speed: Zenon is being targeted, she has a disk earring(?) that Wyndham’s cronie wants (Wyndham is the bad guy pretty sure?) Zenon met a cute guy named Greg and now they are in love and went on a horseback ride together and are now eating onion rings. Okay.
Ok now I'm in a fight with my friend over how Zetus Lapetus is spelled. Zetus? Setus?Seetis? Lapeetus? WHAT IS THIS PHRASE????
Okay I looked it up and Buzzfeed (thank u Buzzfeed for once in your life) says the script has it as Cetus-Lupeedus. CETUS-LUPEEDUS???? What is my life????
I’ll be honest and say that the actual plot of this movie is lost on me and I don’t even think it’s because I’m bad at paying attention.
Now there are child hackers and computer bugs involved.
Now Zenon and Greg are kissing but they messed up so Zenon suggested they try again. Wow. more courage that I would have had at age 13. Courage at age 13 for me was asking the cooler 8th graders to find a boy who would be willing to kiss me so people would stop asking me when I would finally make out with someone.
Friend observation: “I should probably stop pointing out everything that’s wrong about this movie because that is everything.” I agree and disagree bc this is a cinematic masterpiece and also a travesty.
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH WAIT
PROTO ZOA IS HERE AND NOTHING ELSE MATTERS
FROSTED TIPS
SPIKY TIPS
TIPS ON TIPS ON TIPS
I would and will happily marry Proto Zoa. I would move to whatever country he is from and be his wife. England? Australia? New Zealand?
Now everyone’s in trouble and the space station is about to fall apart but NEBULA IS HERE! It’s all okay! Raven come to me! Teach me your space fashion sense ways! Educate me on how I may rock a silver miniskirt and a turquoise pleather cropped jacket! Oh and also save the space station!
Okay now Zenon saved the day and stopped the virus. There was a virus?
Supernova Girl is playing and it’s giving me feeeeeelings. My body is ready. ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM MAKE MY HEART GO BOOM BOOM BOOM.
OMG Proto Zoa brought Nebula on stage after all. I FORGOT THIS.
Damn Zenon, you actually have some friend loyalty/are a nice person.
I would not do this. You only get to dance onstage with PZ on a space station once.
We end on more amazingly crappy shots of the space station. It looks like a stop motion animation of a bicycle wheel.
God bless you, CGI budget of a 1999 Disney Channel Original Movie.
In conclusion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTIcIzKjGjg
