1. Upon entering Smokes' you celebrate by:
a. Picking up random half empty beer cups on tables and downing them in the name of being frugal.
b. Subjecting a poor Drexel or Penn graduate student to a creepy DFMO.
c. Good one, you didn’t get in so you share a cig outside with a random kid from your philosophy class.
2. It’s a snow day. Your plans revolve around…
a. Taking Fireball shots off of a ski at the St. A’s “Snowpocolypse” darty.
b. Getting high and doing snow angels in front of your house.
c. Getting Chipotle despite the high risk of E.Coli or the inevitable digestive problems.
3. It’s a Sunday night and you’ve done zero homework. You…
a. Camp out in VP and probably take a quick snooze on one of the ripped up weird smelling couches in the basement.
b. Book a GSR that wreaks of pizza from the previous group who chose to pull an all nighter for some god forsaken reason.
c. “I’ll just read in my bed.”
4. It’s not uncommon for you to…
a. Not wash your sheets for up to a month.
b. Take handle pulls from communal bottles at Oz late nights.
c. Fall asleep at 3 a.m. on a Saturday night fully clothed and with a bag of Hot Cheetos resting on your chest.
d. All of the above.
5. When you grocery shop you buy…
a. Gogurt and a bag of popcorn.
b. I only eat $12 salads from Sweetgreen.
c. I currently have one granola bar to my name.
6. Your favorite pastime is…
a. Pretending you know how to smoke out of a bong when the opportunity arises.
b. Making slutty brownies and eating half the raw cookie dough before hand.
c. Watching Office reruns naked on the couch.
7. Your last hook up…
a. We don’t talk about it.
b. Was in fifth grade behind a tree.
c. Was on an elevated surface at Recess, next question.
8. The last time you worked out…
a. You paid $25 for someone to guide you through crunches at Core Power
b. Fourth level of Pottruck, I’m relevant.
c. I have a class in DRL so no need.
9. When you clean your room you…
a. Spray Febreeze on a few pillows
b. I don’t even own a vacuum.
c. It’s a big deal when I have toilet paper.
10. Your go–to lunch place is…
a. Obviously Frontera, I can’t get enough of their partly–defrosted, chewy, chipotle shrimp.
b. Houston: preferably the double cheeseburger with curly fries and a side of regret.
c. If I’m not eating from a food truck, I’m not eating.
If you got mostly A’s:
SRAT Star: There is a 120% chance that you already contracted mono your first semester freshman year, so thankfully that’s off the table. However, based on your going–out habits and betchy lifestyle, there is also a 120% chance you will be the kid coughing in lecture until March. No amount of rehydrating via Diet Coke is going to allow your immune system to conquer the perpetual Penn cold. At least you’ll have an excuse to be sipping Matcha 24/7, besides the excuse that you “can’t even.”
If you got mostly B’s:
Most Freshman–y Freshman: Your life is just not simple to begin with. Aka you were probably already that one kid in Texas who got the swine flu a couple years ago. A few pointers: Lock yourself in your room for the rest of the school year and invest in one of those fashion forward hospital masks you see hypochondriacs wearing during the doldrums of finals week in December. If you haven’t already gotten salmonella this year (which you probably have), it’s only a matter of time. See you in May!
If you got mostly C’s:
SWUG: Not sure how you aren’t already dead. You’re the kid every parent worries is going to devolve into an animal when left to fend for themselves in college. Your parents were right. Try washing your lululemon joggers at least once this semester and we will call it baby steps. And no, chips are not a vegetable. Neither is veggie pizza.
