Penn's Most Eligible Bachelors
Tate Gale (C '17)
This smooth–talking Lothario wants to pursue music but also cares about social justice. Despite that swoon–worthy combination, he claims he's stayed single because "I can't keep my room clean." That's okay, we like it dirty.
Celebrity crush: “Sarah McLachlan. The summer after my freshman year I served drinks at a pool. Sarah McLachlan came to the hotel and I had a great conversation with her for like half an hour.”
His badass side: “This summer I woke up at 6 a.m. on a bench in the East Village missing my shoe and my wallet.”
How to catch his eye: “Wear slippers to Rumor.”
Caleb Chodosh (C '18)
This Theos sophomore might as well have jumped out of a Warby Parker x J.Crew x Thrift Shop ad. On top of that, he owns the all of the Roald Dahl books.
Kinkiness on a scale of 1–10: "The Great Quake of 1906."
Biggest turn–off: "Ordering a steak above medium–rare… I don’t play that shit."
William Slotznick (C '17)
A lot of people claim that this junior will save the world one day. Not only that, but rumor has it he’s really nice as well. Someone like this deserves a home cooked meal and a bottle of red ASAP (hint hint, this is his weakness.)
Best Move: "It’s all in the smize. Then I tell her I sketch and play the ukulele."
Fantasy girl: "Wears flannel and loves adventure."
How to catch his eye: "Compliment my beanie."
Oral skills on a scale of 1–10: "My professors say I’m fairly verbose."
James Jameson (C '17)
He’s a swimmer. Need we say more? This mystery man thrives off of St. Ides High Gravity Malt Liquor and will cut you in half if he sees you talking with food in your mouth. Honestly, worth it for this blonde hunk whose oral skills are “nine on an off day.”
His type: "She has to be adventurous, social and know how to relax (Netflix)"
How to catch his eye: "A smile from across the bar makes me feel some type of way."
Julian Mickelson
If you're ready to turn down a native Californian who surfs, you simply can’t be trusted. And if you aren’t ready to turn it down, your beach romance movie fantasies can finally come true.
Biggest turn–off: “If they don’t like cats.”
Biggest turn–on: “When your hair smells like shampoo.”
How to catch his eye: “Reading in a public place.”
Most awe–inducing moment: “In high school, for prom for my girlfriend, I hacked one of the road signs. Me and my friend went the night before, and we had bolt-cutters, and he clipped the lock. I put her name and then question mark."
Nick Zaza (C '16)
He's a senior, so hurry the fuck up! This transfer student claims he doesn't have enough friends with GBFs to introduce him to. Plus he sounds "like Rafael Nadal's tennis grunt" in bed, so you'll have that to look forward to.
Best move: “One time the guy in front of me at Starbucks ordered something and then I ordered the same thing as he did because I thought he was cute. And then I went to go take it and he was like ‘That’s mine’ and I was like ‘Oh my gosh I’m so sorry!' And then we started talking.”
His fantasy guy: “A Penn Med student or a CHOP resident. Definitely a doctor."
Mark Bai (C '16)
As a member of Apes, it's pretty damn clear that this kid is a homie. But we'll let you decide if you're up for the ride after reading his responses. This man is not holding back. Which could come in handy once the fire starts to burn...
His fantasy girl: “I have a list of 25 or 30 things now. Very detailed and they’re all about personality. I want an effortlessly cool laid-back stoner girl who’s also very smart and warm and affectionate.”
Most awe-inducing moment: “I hooked up with this girl and then I ran into her and her friend at a party. She was trying to go home with me but I was very into her friend. And her friend happened to also know Chinese. I told her in Chinese ‘I’m not interested in your friend but I’m interested in you.’ She said ‘I like you too’ in Chinese back to me. She helped her friend get home and then she came back to my house.”
Oral skills, on a scale of 1 to 10: “11. I know what I’m good at.
Louis Markham (C/W '15)
He's a British super senior majoring in Physics and Finance. We're pretty much talking dirty to you right now. His beverage of choice is the sweet milk at the end of the cereal bowl. If that doesn't show a sensitive side I don't know what does.
How he’s stayed single: “Crippling insecurities and a profound fear of women.”
Best move: “Awkwardly standing on a dance floor and waiting for someone to notice my existence.”
His bad-ass side: “I used to try and bully men that are more attractive than me. But it would never work because they were more attractive than me.”
How he sounds in bed: “A cross between a flute and particularly joyous seahorse.”
