Job Title: Participant in the revival of a new–and–improved society
Position Type: Lifetime membership
Employer: The People’s Temple
Description: Looking for someone psychologically vulnerable with a stable income. You must have a willingness to follow orders and have a decent enough voice for ritualistic chanting (those with an ear for harmonies are highly encouraged to apply).
Job Title: Side Effect Tester
Position Type: Part–time job (hours will depend on severity of reactions)
Employer: Target
Description: Ingest cleaning products, experimental pharmaceuticals, face washes, lotions, toothpastes and rub all over skin and eyes when applicable in order to determine possible side effects for the rest of the population. Must be willing to experience permanent loss of sight, hearing, taste and sensation. Also death.
Job Title: Token fuckboy in front of the mirror at the gym
Position Type: Part–time job, but hours must be coordinated so that there’s at least one fuckboy at all times
Employer: Every Gym in America, but especially Pottruck Fitness Center
Description: Seeking boys who enjoy watching themselves lift in the mirror whilst wearing a cut–off tank and checking to see if anyone is watching them. Must be unopposed to making noises when pumping iron and must coordinate a seemingly complicated and secret handshake with the replacement fuckboy upon his arrival—butt–slapping and excessive use of “bro” is highly encouraged.
Job Title: Getaway Car Driver
Position Type: On–call job for any bank robbing opportunities that arise
Employer: To be disclosed upon acceptance of position
Description: Seeking those with vehicles equipped with tinted windows, untraceable plates and preferably bulletproof paneling. Driver must be able to accelerate quickly and abide by traffic laws once the escape has been made in order to decrease suspicion.
Job Title: Get Tested for STDs Spokesperson
Position Type: Summer Job
Employer: Get Tested
Description: Candidates must either have an STD or be willing to inform the general public that they do even if they don't. Job includes sharing personal anecdotes on television about how you contracted whatever variety of STD, what side effects were experienced and how long said side effects persisted.
Job Title: Organ Donor
Position Type: One or multiple time donor
Employer: Various buyers on the black market
Description: An exciting job fit for any warmhearted daredevil. Those interested must be in mid to excellent condition and willing to endure immense physical pain with no guarantee of sterilization or anesthetics.
