Name: The Shakespeare Portrait Wall in Fisher–Bennett
Major: English
Hometown: Stratford–upon–Avon, UK
Activities: Hanging out on the wall, side-eyeing English majors
Street: So, you’ve obviously mastered the resting bitch face. Any tips for our aspiring RBF–ers out there?
The Shakespeare Portrait Wall in Fisher–Bennett: It’s really a matter of practice and patience. One isn’t just born knowing how to throw shade with your eyes. Try practicing in front of a mirror–someone with a good RBF looks like the perfect blend of hungry and bored.
Street: What’s the most scandalous thing that’s happened in the Fisher–Bennet stairwell?
TSPWIFB: Well, you see a lot of the boring stuff. People tripping on the stairs and pretending it didn’t happen, people crying over essay grades, starcrossed lovers professing their love for eachother on the balcony despite their families being in a bitter feud.
Street: Wait, what? That sounds a lot like Romeo and Juliet.
TSPWIFB: Never read it.
Street: Um okay.. What was your first screenname?
TSPWIFB: ShakesDaddy69. Honestly, I slayed with the ladies in the iChat days.
Street: Our readers will definitely want to know about your size. You’re one of the biggest portraits on campus-—how big are you, exactly?
TSPWIFB: Big enough to give it to you As You Like It.
Street: Excuse me?
TSPWIFB: Sorry, just a bad pun. No, but are you asking me about my size in inches or feet? How exactly should I...Measure for Measure this?
Street: Ugh, never mind. If you are what you eat, what are you?
TSPWIFB: I can’t eat, I’m a wall portrait, God you’re insensitive.
Street: Oh, I’m so sorry. How about you tell us about your outfit. Where’d you get that sick tunic?
TSPWIFB: This? It’s actually from Italy.
Street: How cosmopolitan! Who makes it?
TSPWIFB: Just this guy who owns a little shop over there. I think he’s called The Merchant of Venice?
Street: Look, I really can’t help but feel like you’re just name dropping your plays.
TSPWIFB: Well I can’t help but feel like you’re making Much Ado about Nothing.
Street: You’re doing it again! Honestly, maybe we should just end the interview here and you can get back to...whatever is that you do on your wall all day.
TSPWIFB: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. Are you mad?
Street: No, it’s okay, I’m not mad.
TSPWIFB: Good! All’s Well That Ends Well.
Street: Last question. There are two types of people at Penn…
TSPWIFB: People who talk to walls and people who’ve gotten enough sleep.
