Shopping List
Quest Bars: How much can they charge for these before I stop buying them? Answer: $10
Annie's Pizza Poppers: It's pizza. And it's Annie's. No more questions asked.
Ben and Jerry's ice cream: Literally a whole fridge of it. If that ain't love, then I don't know what love is. Yes, we also remember all the lyrics to Cupid's Chokehold by Gym Class Heroes.
Edible cookie dough: Wait, is regular cookie dough not edible...?
Siggi's yogurt: Chobani is for the ignorant. This fluffy skyr is hella natural and has a protein–to–calorie ratio that's out of this world.
Gluten–free, yogurt–covered pretzels: Gluten-free means fewer calories. Keep telling yourself that.
Annie's mac and cheese: Annie's. Love. We know we have a problem.
Carton o' grapes: But watch out, there's nothing worse than a squishy Common's grape.
PB & Co. White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butter: Goes great with pretzels; hide when drunk.
Peanut Butter Snackimals: Attempting to find a human whom I love as much as this bag of carbs.
Chocolate Chip Snackimals: and this bag.
Any flavor Snackimals: and this bag too.
Quinoa Chocolate bar: It's like a crunch bar... but with quinoa? Still gonna eat it.
Endangered Species chocolate: Honestly the best chocolate around. And 10% of profits goes to charity, so like you're basically doing a good deed by eating it.
Dang Caramel Sea Salt Toasted Coconut Chips: Possibly the most underrated snack in America.
Yogurt–covered almonds: A dangerous study nom, but nonetheless delicious. Serving size: 2 Almonds.
Sweet Potato Cinnamon Twist Pop Chips: IDK what's going on here, but I like it.
Pirate's Booty: I still consider this cheese–flavored air. Serving size: 1 bag.
Brad's Raw Chips: Will be single–handedly responsible for putting you into student debt.
Barbara's cheese puffs: Healthy cheese puffs! The world is just!
Sweet Potato Skinny Sticks: No longer considered skinny sticks when you eat the whole bag.
Lemon–flavored Dasani water: I hate water. But I'm not mad about this.
Smart Food: Scientifically proven to make you smarter.
Bite–size Tostitos: Pair with cheddar cheese for guaranteed orgasm.
Guacamole: If a brother's desperate and can't make it to Frontera, this can hold you over till your next fix.
Almond Nut Thins: Use at next cocktail party. Pairs great with cheese and Franzia.
Fake pop tarts: I've never had a bad pop tart, so might as well.
Avoid like the plague
New England style cod bowl: PSA Commons, you can't just sell cod and think you're going to get away with it.
Dairy-free pizza: You might as well just not.
Wink frozen desserts: 100 calories per pint sounds promising, but how can you trust something with 100 calories.
Coconut water: Tastes like socks, try again.
Baked BBQ fries: Nope.
Pre-made salads: Guaranteed to be disappointing. First, it's a salad. Second, there's a strong possibility it's older than you are.
Chocolate chip muffins: If you miss McClelland breakfast, hit these puppies up. Also seek help from a professional.
Vegan-aise: Vegan Mayonnaise. Is this what it takes to get into the food market these days?
Broccoli: It was bad when you were young, and it might have gotten even worse.
Glutino WildBerry Bars: Warning: requires chainsaw to break in half.
Soy whip: If you're lactose intolerant, whipped cream is just something you'll have to do without.
Frozen egg white omelette: Egg white omelettes are possibly the easiest thing to make in the universe. There's no excuse for you to buy them frozen.
Amy's vegan mac and cheese: Don't do it. Also stop being vegan.
