When our hotline blings, it’s usually Drake in his Moncler jacket asking us to call him on his cell phone. But today, peasants, we decided to share our conversation in the Round Up because we’re #generous.
Ugh, finally there’s some ~legit~ attention to the fact that Theos White Trash is incredibly offensive. Just because we call you peasants doesn’t mean dressing up as a poor person is acceptable. OFSA has come to the rescue to promote justice in the democracy that we all know as Penn’s Greek system. OFSA has requested, via email, that sorority sisters remove all photos from the party from social media. This seems like a Band-Aid fix to get rid of the photos, but hopefully this will encourage more equitable party themes.
Brawl so hard mothafuckas wanna fine me. A Phi Delt (Phight Delt?) mixer got a little too physical when random University of Delaware bros showed up to the event. Well, all was fine in Brolandia until the Delaware boys swapped Phi Delt's Hall & Oates playlist for heavy techno. That's when the Delaware guys stopped fist bumping and started fist fighting with Phi Delt sophs. One Ghandi-esque Phi Delt senior calmly told the Delawareans to leave, only to be punched in the face. No good deed goes unpunished in Brolandia: The Phi Delt senior ended the night in HUP, needing stitches over his eye. Sucks when things go from Hall & Oates to Brawl & Not-So-Quaker Oats (Read: Quakers are pacifists).
In another case of cultural appropriation, Beta had a state school-themed party. To shed some light on what this entails: you wear a state school shirt. Start drinking at 6:30am. Flip a car by noon. But this year, our favorite (not) Penn State bros were unable to successfully rotate a car. The cops arrived when the bummer was at approximately forty-five degrees from the curb (Ed. note: yes, we attended driver’s ed). The panicked muscle men fled the scene and hid in a nearby man cave. Maybe next time, they should flip a Smart Car...or a Vespa...or a scooter. Or nothing.
Tinkle, tinkle little star, how Highbrow wonders if you’re potty–trained. You might be a real person with a real job and a real NYC apartment... until you return to Penn and wet the bed. One alum returned to dear ol' Penn this weekend for some college debauchery. This included staying with a house of senior girls. Instead of reliving his glory days, he relieved his bladder in one of the girl's laundry baskets. Then, after shaking it off, he hopped into bed with her. There's nothing quite like a strange boy urinating on your clothes then trying to snuggle. Rather than investing in some Procter & Gamble stock (NYSE: PG), we suggest he invest in some Pampers (CVS, $8.95).
Correction: A previous version of this article incorrectly stated that the series of events that landed the Phi Delta Theta senior in HUP. The above version reflect the correct events.
