Photo: Jamie xx
How to impress someone sceney:
This is a good time as any to name drop Jamie xx. He’s part of the xx so he’s technically indie, but the amount of attention his stellar debut has called for (excessive) and mass appeal means Jamie xx is your man. In Colour features music that appeals to all ends of the spectrum, so this is a win-win. There’s rap from Young Thug on “Good Times”. And “Loud Places” is the quintessential hipster track, with Madley Croft singing in typical xx fashion, mixed with the new Jamie flair. But for good measure, your favorite track must be “Girl”. You’re still a hipster. You don’t listen to that mainstream junk.
How to get with someone less hipster than you:
This person listens to the likes of Imagine Dragons, Walk the Moon, and Smallpools, so you’re in good shape here. Help them out here – share a little Generationals, CHVRCHES, Beach House, or whatever else you’re into, and maybe take them out to a show or two. You may have just found yourself a little protégé/date.
How to keep up with someone more hipster than you:
There are so many ways you can go wrong here. For starters, don’t you dare name drop Bon Iver or Arcade Fire – everyone already knows that ‘Holocene’ is “the best song ever”. Note also that these are no longer considered hipster because it is no longer 2009. The key here is to be ahead of the times. Some appropriate choices include: Speedy Ortiz, Only Real, Radiator Hospital...But if you can’t come up with your own underground discovery, just say “Radiohead”. And then say it’s time to run. Abort mission.
How to intimidate someone regular:
You’re in luck, because your average Joe is not only someone who does not have superior music knowledge, they will also be thoroughly impressed by your impeccable taste. So feel free to be honest here – if you love Tame Impala that much, it’s okay. We do too.
How to discover hidden gems:
Read Pitchfork, the purveyor of the generic hipster. They’ll tell you what not to hear and who not to see (i.e. alt-J), but count on them to share a ‘best new track’ that we all will come to know and love.
Sign up for Spotify. If you use Pandora, you’re probably definitely not a real hipster. A real hipster has a music library. And a preference. Skipping only 6 songs per hour is not going to cut it.
Catch a show at Union Transfer. For every headliner there is an opener. It’s possible that no one has heard of that opener (or that no one likes that opener). Either way, this is your prime time to know what’s rising up in the music scene.
How to sound like a hipster:
Talking to a fellow hipster? At a loss for words? These hipster buzzwords can help you out.
Trill: Not to be confused with Krill, indie grunge-pop outfit. Trill means true and real, i.e. you are reading this guide because you are a trill hipster.
Chillwave: Listen to Washed Out and then you’ll understand.
Vibes: Though they may not show it, hipsters love feelings: chill vibes, good vibes, you name it.
Indie: The blanket term for independent. You don’t listen to Maroon 5! You don’t use Apple headphones! You don’t follow societal norms! But of course, only a true hipster knows that indie doesn’t really mean anything. What is indie really? But what is music really? What is life, really?
