Evolution
Etymology: The root of the word “evolution” is “evol”, which is a homonym of “evil” because turning monkeys into more advanced monkeys seems like the work of some kind of evil genius.
Who backs it up: That guy in your philosophy class who always asks questions when there's less than a minute left of class and ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS NOT AGAIN EVERYONE HATES YOU!!!!
Evidence: The striking resemblance between Chloe Sevigny and a frog; therefore, Chloe Sevigny evolved from a frog.
How it was discovered: Darwin took a rad spraaang break to the Galapagos and was all like, “Dude, turtles tho.”
Main Characters: Finches, humans, primordial ooze.
Creationism
Etymology: Has the same root as “Kreayshawn”, a rap icon made famous for her hit single “Gucci Gucci.”
Who backs it up: People who write really long Facebook statuses about their political and religious beliefs. See also: your great uncle Milton.
Evidence: A banana perfectly designed for use as fake phone.
How it was discovered: NEVER QUESTION THE BIBLE.
Main Characters: A snake, naked people, God?
