Strap down, gag yourself and cover your eyes, because we present you with 50 Shades of Highbrow. We’ve always dominated the social scene and we’re ready to whip you into submission. You dirty Quakers need to be disciplined, by gossip.
One group of students skated with the thin ice of the law last weekend. At an ice skating date night on Saturday, attendees turned to alcohol to stay warm on the outdoor rink. While they attempted to balance drinking out of flasks with Michelle Kwan-esque moves, their intoxicated state was obvious. The owners of the rink quickly spotted the drunkards, confiscated their flasks and forced them to leave. They also called the police, who escorted the Wise guys back to their bus in order to make sure they left. Next time: Heavy on the liquor, light on the ice.
Someone lost his chicken McNuggets. Highbrow hears that one wasted Penn student was too intoxicated to order his drunchie meal at McDonalds late Friday night. It took over fifteen minutes for the incoherent guy to articulate his order. As he sat down and ate his Big Mac alone, his friends burst into McDonald’s yelling, “We’ve been looking for you for over an hour!” When possible, end your night with a happy ending, not a Happy Meal.
Freshman boys have been serenading Highbrow all week but, as much as we appreciate the gesture, we would rather you just sing our praises. One house on Pine received a group of singers the day after they had hosted a big party. Half–empty cups scattered the house, and the thirsty boys downed random red solo cups of week old mixed Banker’s drinks and flat soda. At least they helped them clean up.
Most students are layering up, but we hear that there’s a new Philly joint stripping down. This weekend, a group of freshman girls went to BuffBoyzz to celebrate with Philly’s finest gay strippers. However, a sensual lap–dance got out of hand, causing the birthday girl’s pants to rip open. This lady boner didn’t stop the party; the stripper continued to do his thang. For future reference, Highbrow prefers anacondas over feather boas.
