Street: Tell me about the most scandalous thing you did over winter break.
Patrick Del Valle: Oh, my most scandalous. I like don’t know if I am the right person to ask for something scandalous, because my ideal winter break involves a lot of Netflix, involves, like, making nests a lot, and involves eating a lot of snacks.
Street: What are your thoughts on Internet trolling?
PDV: So I love finding the weird crap on the internet... There’s this YouTube channel that I’ll frequent sometimes called “Mad Cat Lady,” I think. And it’s [these] really weird at-home animations of cats and cat-people.
Street: You should check out the Instagram @buttsexcat.
PDV: Butt sex cat? Are there any spaces in that?
Street: No.
PDV: Butt. Sex. Cat. Oh my god, that sounds amazing. Oh, fuck, so it’s like cat memes. I love the way that the internet has regurgitated back onto reality…You’re seeing what’s funny be defined by what’s on the internet and what you wear… Think about how much fashion is influenced by Tumblr and how you’re starting to see memes on t-shirts.
Street: So Wasting Time on the Internet is a good class for you then?
PDV: Yeah, I’m really excited to take that… It’s cool that I get to go to a school that’s a business school but I get to explore these like, really weird classes.
Street: There are two types of people at Penn…
PDV: There are people who will drop everything and get a taco with me when I’m craving Taco Bell and there are people who won’t.
Street: Describe yourself in three words.
PDV: More is more. You know how people say less is more? I say more is more because I’m hungry for everything, beyond food, obviously. I just want to absorb and consume as much as I can… The joke is whenever I’m deciding between two things on a menu, I just get both.
Street: What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done with fast food? And what kind? PDV: One is obviously the McNasty. I’ve made the McNasty. I’ve eaten the McNasty. The McNasty is a McDouble and you put a McChicken inside of it. And then you eat it. So that is probably the epitome of my culinary existence.
Street: If you could have a drink with anyone in history, who would it be and why?
PDV: I would want to get a drink with someone who I disagree with. Or who I find controversial…It’d be more interesting to have more of a challenging encounter, if you will. Andy Warhol. Because he’s both those things...but is also such an enigma.
Street: What will you be doing on this day in 10 years?
PDV: I’ll definitely be walking my dogs...I’m thinking one will be [named] Tofu. I love food names, so Tofu. But I also like Butterscotch because you could call him Butters.
Street: When was the last time you masturbated?
PDV: That’s so embarrassing I can’t even remember. Like within the last 24 hours, honestly. No, call it 48. Probably the last 48 hours.
Street: Which rom com best describes your life?
PDV: Like, Liz Lemon’s eating habits kind of describe my life.
Street: What was your first AIM screenname?
PDV: It was PhattyPaddy600. That was a really interesting time of my life—wow. AIM is such a funny thing to be nostalgic for. Like now the things that were on the internet are “our childhood.”
Street: What should PDV stand for?
PDV: PDV should stand for... Pretty Damn Vivacious? That’s a more than apt summary of my person.
Street: What do you love and hate most about Penn?
PDV: I love how much people care about things here. Everyone here has a thing that they just dedicate a lot of themselves to. What I don’t like about Penn is the way that certain people are imageconscious. And we’re just very obsessed with rankings here.
Street: Going off of that, what do you care most about at Penn?
PDV: I’m part of Class Board and I really buy into this old sense of Ivy League tradition that we have here. We have so much history here and it’s cool to be part of that. So I love working with the Class Board to make these big traditions come to life.
Street: If a child stole your candy what would you do? Be honest.
PDV: OMG. First of all, be so angry. Because obviously candy is a sacred thing to me. That is fucked up. I would vigorously pursue, without harming, the child for the candy. And I would forcefully retrieve the candy at almost any cost. And then I would go up to the child’s parent and really let them know what I thought of their child and how poorly they’ve been raising it and make sure that the child was reprimanded. Because one, not only is thievery a horrible thing that plagues this society, but two, stealing candy is just fucked up! And mean!
Street: What’s the number one thing on your Penn bucket list?
PDV: I would love to get on the roof of college hall. And I want to try every chicken finger on campus. I think I’ve almost done that.
Street: How would you feel about posing nude for this photo? PDV: I think that the FCC would just lose their shit.
