Dress the part: Like Niedermayer always says—perception is reality. The first step in cultivating your social prowess is tricking others into thinking that you already had it. Black is sleek. Black is chic. Black is slimming.
Tall tales: Make yourself interesting, even if you have to stretch the truth. Spark someone’s interest by casually mentioning that your godfather is George Clooney or how you spent your gap year meditating with monks. Wow, tell me more.
Classes: Social Statistics, History of the Information Age, Wasting Time on the Internet—every semester, there are a handful of SABS classes. Fulfill your quantitative reasoning requirement and foster your new friendships.
Parties: Our dirty secret? You don’t even have to go out, as long as you excessively document your pregame. Utilize (read: abuse) social media.
Common enemy: There’s no better way to manipulate yourself into a position of favor than by bonding over a shared hatred. That annoying bitch in your finance class who’s always raising her hand? She’s making everyone else look bad! Stepping on other people is the best way to get #elevated.
Your accent: Cultivate an exotic accent to distract people from the fact that you’re actually from Jericho. Be sure to avoid third world countries at all costs. Save those for your stories about your “transformative” volunteer work abroad (see #2).
Mystique: Build an aura of mystery by being evasive. Respond to questions with cryptic answers. For example, when asked,“Hey, where are you at the party?” “Don’t know. Maybe."
Be selfish: Social climbing is a solo mission. Party of one. Don’t let other bitches weigh you down on your way to the top.
