This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014
So your daddy, in his infinite wisdom, decided to slash your Sweet Sixteen food budget in half, for stupid reasons like “a hundred grand is enough to feed anyone , plus the entire nation Papua of New Guinea” and “I already own all the Pizza Huts in the tri–state area. Do you kids not like pizza anymore? Jesus Christ.” Don’t worry, with these tips your party–goers will eat like kings, at the budget of a slightly less wealthy king.
Change your goodie bag idea ($8,000) Instead of giving out Cartier bracelets to all 500 of your closest friends, opt for gold sheathed Godiva chocolate truffles instead. Every guest will get their own box of 50 truffles, with an assortment of flavors and combinations. Wearing gold is basic; shitting gold is the chic.
Make your “50 Shades of Fondue” rainbow out of only 25 varieties of chocolate ($11,500) Instead of buying 50 varieties of chocolate fondue (i.e. 50% cacao, 49% cacao, etc) for each of your 50 fondue machines, buy 25 (ie. 50% cacao, 48% cacao, etc), and dilute down each with heavy cream to make the missing percentage. The color will be right, and no one will taste the difference.
Pretend that you made a species of sturgeon go extinct ($26,400) Everyone knows that the highlight of Ashley’s party last year was when her caviar platters put the Caspian sturgeon on the critically endangered list. Even though you can only afford platters of the cheaper Atlantic sturgeon caviar, tell everyone it’s actually the very last of the Caspian caviar. Ever. For authenticity, budget out a couple hundred bucks and hire a few biology TAs from your local college to picket your party.
Nix the live cow butchering ($46,000) Even though you were looking forward to grossing out that stupid vegan bitch Emma, a cow might be overkill. The costs for the animal, materials, butcher and bribes to local zoning officials isn’t worth it. Instead, infuse your entire menu with foie gras. Salad? Foie gras dressing. Mushroom risotto? Foie gras reduction. Gummy bear cupcakes? You bet your ass it’s frosted with foie gras butter cream. Also, the gummy bears are 100% foie gras.
