This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.4.2014
Street: How did you get interested in art?
Mother of the birthday girl: I’ve mastered the art of mothering over the course of 16 years. December 4th,1991 to be exact.That’s when the little angel emerged from my loins. That’s when I knew my career path had to completely shift. I was no longer just the mother of a two–year-old son—I was called upon to do something much, much bigger.
Street: By that you mean planning for this Sweet 16 party?
MOTBG: Nothing has been more important in my life—besides, of course, raising my daughter. Let me tell you, the way kids are raised these days you’d think they’d be watching porn all day, everything’s so sexualized. Have you seen what they call programming on VH1 these days? “FOR THE LOVE OF RAY-J?” No, not for my pubescent little star. We went the classier route to publically record our daughter’s teenage years: MTV.
Street: Has the art of party planning affected your home life?
MOTBG: Only in good ways. To throw an awesome Sweet 16 installation, you need to know your daughter. I know her favorite color. I know she wants a Mercedes Benz S-Class this year. I’ve gotten so good at guessing what she wants. I can tell where she’s going to shop on a given day simply by looking at the brand of cereal she eats from her silver spoon. Kix means Prada. Lucky Charms equals Versace. And could Cinnamon Toast Crunch mean anything other than a four–digit receipt from Givenchy?
Oh sure there are downsides to party planning for 16 years! You won’t believe the number of times my son has accused me of “not feeding” him or saying some nonsense like “Where’s my breakfast?” and “She’s not even 16 yet, why does she get a car every year?” or “Do you enjoy this you sadist?” Just annoying little bumps in the road to my daughter’s perfect party.
Street: Could you talk about what else you’ve had to plan for?
MOTBG: I want this Sweet 16 installation to welcome our daughter to adulthood. So we’re going all out. Balloons, cars, photobooths, The Maine, boob jobs, 1000 stand–in friends for the dance floor, virgin Shirley Temples, flasks for the kids to spike their drinks—we got everything that our daughter could expect in her blossom to womanhood. It’s all here. As my son always says, “It’s a cold, fucked up world out there,” and I want to make sure my daughter knows what the best parts of adult life are first!
Street: Anything else you’d like to add?
MOTBG: I just want to say that I want my daughter to remember this day forever. You’re only 16 once and the next day you’re three times that age, like my dad. I just want to make sure my daughter can look back on this memory and remember what it felt like to be sweet, to be 16, and to smile. I want her to be happy.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get going. I have about an hour before my son’s bail runs out.
