The summer before coming to Penn, I would have considered myself halfway out of the closet. I had one foot out; I couldn’t fully open the door yet, but I was getting there. I learned that you don’t come out just once—coming out is a prolonged process that never really ends.
As a freshman, I didn’t feel ashamed of my “gayness,” but I felt meh about it. I wasn’t hiding my sexuality, but I evaded conversations about being gay. My sexuality formed a part of my identity, but it was not a defining factor. Coming to a new school, I didn’t want others to characterize me on one aspect of who I was—I wanted to identify myself on my own terms. I was concerned about the ‘gay’ label and I avoided the LGBT community on campus, even threw around a few gay jokes.
This year, something changed. I had an ‘aha’ moment. I attended an LGBT business conference during fall break, and one keynote speaker emphasized the importance of being out and “proud.” Proud. The word stuck with me, but didn’t resonate at first. I had accepted my sexuality, I felt comfortable with it, but that certainly didn’t translate into a sense of pride. But as I thought more about the idea during the speech, it finally clicked. I did feel proud to be gay. In that moment, the way in which I viewed my sexuality completely changed—I guess all I needed was an inspirational speech from a Goldman Sachs managing director.
I’ve always believed that I should be proud of who I am, but I hadn’t considered embracing my sexuality in the same way. However, I realized that it was more than okay to be gay. Approaching my sexuality with indifference seems pointless—I can’t deny that my sexuality affects my life now and will continue to do so in the future. In realizing that, being gay became a more valuable part of my identity.
After fall break, I knew immediately that I wanted to be more involved in the gay community at Penn. The application deadline for Wharton Alliance was the day I got back from the conference, so I churned out a few short responses and sent them in. Now, as a Wharton Alliance board member, I feel as if I’m part of Penn’s LGBT community, rather than simply gay at Penn. Finally recognizing and understanding this difference compelled me to become more involved.
For many, coming out isn’t easy. There’s some consolation to hear that “it gets better,” and it does to some extent. For me, the real change occurred when I was no longer coping with my sexuality—I identified with it.
