Penn obviously scheduled Homecoming during Halloween weekend for a reason. You never let us down Quakers. This weekend was a shit show—literally.
Some Halloween enthusiasts need to take it down a notch. We hear that one student took costumes a little too seriously this year. In the spirit of the holiday, this health nut went running on the treadmill in Pottruck while dressed in a full carrot suit. Talk about dedication. But Highbrow wonders: are we sure Tabard pledging hasn't started early?
It seems like gym–goers have found another way to exercise this weekend. While some Quakers dressed up for Halloween, one duo dressed down in the first floor Pottruck bathrooms. Highbrow hears clothes were strewn all over the handicap stall and two sets of feet were visible from under the door. Heavy panting echoed throughout the bathroom, the horny duo apparently oblivious to other occupants. Talk about a full body workout—this sounds much more fun than the third floor ellipticals.
Speaking of hot bodies, one Phi Delt brother overheated this weekend while dancing inside the chapter house. Looking to cool off, the gladiator–dressed boy stepped outside. Finding the autumn air insufficient to cool him off, he got completely naked—only keeping on his gladiator hat. A girl had also stepped outside, and she was appropriately horrified when he started to approach her. Our lady friend quickly ran away, but the Phi Delt nudist pursued. Unfortunately, the sound of balls clapping is still ringing in her ears.
It’s always better to start with low expectations and then be pleasantly surprised. We’re sorry to report that the Madeon concert didn’t quite live up to its hype. Attendees created a stampede while trying to enter the venue, leaving drunk Quakers with scratches, scars and even broken bones. With urgency to pee and a blocked entrance, students needed to find an alternative to the porta potties outside. So, many chose to pop a squat in the corners of the venue’s interior. Way to keep it classy, Penn.
When it rains, it pours. At the TEP homecoming party, sources tell us that one brother desperately had to pee. Rather than waiting in line for the bathroom, he pissed off the fire escape—and onto an innocent girl below. The urine–covered partier was livid and probably even more upset when the party was shut down moments later. Next time you’re on a fire escape, keep your fire hose in your pants.
When nature calls, you have to answer. A little dancing seemed to get someone’s bowels moving at a track team party, where one dancing machine secretly slipped off and took a shit on one of the bedroom floors. If you thought party cleanup couldn’t get any worse, think about the generous gift these hosts received. Maybe this house is called “the Deuce” for a reason.
We don’t like to point fingers, but it seems like someone else does. After one party was shut down, students flocked to an off–campus house to keep the night going. One boy was looking to get lucky, but he wasn’t quite ready to stop dancing. Unsatisfied by just making out with his lady, he slipped his hand down her unbuttoned pants and proceeded to finger her. Our dextrous buddy alternated between pleasuring the pussy and fist bumping the air to the music. Sometimes a DFMO just doesn’t cut it.
