1. "We're a Couple Now, Haters"
The opening scene shows Mindy and Danny in coupley bliss, where Mindy astutely observes that dating someone is kind of like doing things you don't like that much with a lot of sex breaks in between. Amen, Mindy. We see Mindy try cantaloupe and Danny wearing a pink polo. The montage ends with Danny doing a hot little booty shake to "More Than a Feeling" to get in the mood. After two seasons of will–they–won't–they, this montage is pretty damn satisfying.
2. Mindy Can't Stop Telling Everyone About Danny's Mouth
Shulman & Associates can't stop gossiping about how great Danny's, ahem, mouth skills are. Why? Well, because Mindy is basically physically incapable of shutting up about her love life. Danny tries to give Mindy a talking–to in the janitor's closet about the changes she needs to make in her habits now that they're dating, but he's interrupted by Peter asking him how to go about the famed "Staten Island Handshake" Mindy couldn't stop talking about. Peter's never given a woman orgasm. Oh, Peter. More on that later.
3. Rob McElhenney is Lou Tookers
Mindy Kaling is always on her A–game with guest stars (here's looking at you, James Franco, Timothy Olyphant, Anders Holm, Ellie Kemper and so many more), and this premiere was no exception. This episode, "It's Always Sunny" alum McElhenney took on the role of Morgan's cousin and former car–boosting partner, Lou Tookers. He’s decided to marry Mindy, "that hot Indian spinster," so that he'll never have to fix another refrigerator. His attempts to woo her include things like "you should be excited that I, a white man, am interested in you." He's also the one that accidentally breaks the news to Peter that there's something going on between Jeremy and Peter's girlfriend Lauren, which brings us to...
4. Peter and Jeremy Like the Same Lady
Poor Peter Prentice—how is he supposed to worry about giving his girlfriend an orgasm and fending off the British wiles of fellow doctor Jeremy Reed? In a soon–to–be–awkward–for–the–practice turn of events, Jeremy and Peter's girlfriend, single–mom Lauren, shared a kiss and Jeremy tells Peter that he wants to "see where it goes." Peter does not take this well, and they get in an inter–office scuffle outside of Lauren's apartment. That is, right after Jeremy compares his relationship with Lauren to that of Woody Allen and the adopted daughter that he married: "Nobody liked them at first, now they're America's sweethearts." Are they, Jeremy, are they?
5. That Striptease
Turns out Danny Castellano's little Christmas dance routine last season was just a hint of the glorious dancing gift that his Catholic god gave him. After Mindy discovers a pink diamond thong in the back of Danny's drawer that reads "Diamond," she soon discovers that Danny used to moonlight as a stripper named Diamond Dan. Obviously, Danny was only doing it to pay for med school and his mother's mortgage (ugh, swoon), but to make it up to Mindy for being so secretive, he does the single greatest thing ever done on network television: a striptease of epic proportions.
The buttons ripping. Mindy hurriedly putting her glasses on. The belt coming off. That make out. Honestly, stop reading this and just go stare at the series of gifs every slightly female–centric website has put together for you. This recapper will just be over here awaiting her very own former–stripper–now–doctor–boyfriend because Mindy has shown us all that that's all we've ever wanted.
Mindy one–liner of the week: "I don't know why you're looking at me, I'm mad charitable. I donated two cans of soup to get into a Katy Perry Q&A."
