It takes an entire episode for the whole Rosewood community to contemplate whether Ali should come back to school, and everyone needs to take a psychological selfie.
1. “You make a Pinterest board before you change your nail polish.” So after all that commotion Hanna’s big change is ugly brown streaks. To match, she decides to shoplift a hideous, red, velvet top, which looks like it should cost five dollars. In other clothing news, Ali’s dad wants her to go on a shopping spree because he’s convinced she was raped. He also wants to leave Rosewood but ends up conceding to Ali and buying her a backpack made for a five-year-old.
2. “Did someone spit in your cornflakes this morning?” Mona is getting ready to rally the troops for Ali’s return, but not everyone is so down to beat up on the recently abducted chick. Lucas feels bad, but Mona claims she can prove that Ali’s whole story was a lie. Paige decides she’s gonna be “social Switzerland” because she’s still so into Emily, she can’t really be on Mona’s team. Paige warns Em about the shit that’s about to go down and has what might be her first good line ever with a dis to Mona about her new bully-status. Who knew that PLL minus A would turn into a not funny TV version of Mean Girls?
3. “Cause of death was murder…duh.” The cops investigate the crime scene in the Hastings’ backyard and find out that Mrs. D’s cause of death was taking pills for high blood pressure rather than her prescription for the opposite. Mrs. Hastings and Spencer both think that Mr. Hastings killed Mrs. D to keep her from going to the cops and claiming Spencer killed Ali or whoever is occupying her grave. Mrs. Hastings goes to a spa, while her daughter finds the deadly prescription in the kitchen. Smart cutie Andrew helps Spencer clean up the yard, and she has to remind him that she’s still with Toby. It’s okay Andrew; I’m confused about that choice too.
4. “Do you take cash?” Aria has a horrible case of guilt about the whole killing-Shana-in-self-defense thing, so she watches a video of her funeral over and over again. Wow, she must have so much gospel music stuck in her head. In all her emotional confusion, she wants to donate the cost of the service…or sleep at Ezra’s…or, actually, never mind. Ezra tries to say he feels her pain because of the guilt he felt over the book situation, but it’s cool because he’s totally over it. I’m sure that makes her feel better! Best ex of the year award!
5. “Once you know something, you can’t un-know it.” Ali has to go in for a medical examination. Unless you’re Mona, it’s surprisingly easy to forget that she wasn’t actually held in captivity (or maybe I just watch too much SVU). She has a scar on her thigh that she doesn’t want to explain. The lies get bigger and bigger for no apparent reason, since they actually had a good reason to be in New York. Let’s see how long it takes for someone to suggest they tell the truth.
