We’re just gonna cut right to the chase. Sex. Drugs. Fling. Let’s Guett it.
Let’s start with the Quad, the “heart” of Spring Fling. Highbrow hears that the Riepe House Dean found a non–Penn boy passed out, completely naked, in a pool of his own vomit in a hallway. When she tried to shake him awake, the drunkard repeatedly slurred “It’s the shrooms, man.” Later that day, the same House Dean went on a high–speed chase around the Quad, assisting the Penn Police in capturing a Flinging student dressed as Superman. The cops reportedly referred to the vigilante as “Indian Superman” in their walkie–talkie conversations. In what can only be described as kryptonite, our superhero escaped the clutches of Penn’s legal system and was later found sound asleep in the grass. Once again, good triumphs over evil.
Crippled with a bad case of drunchies, one UTB editor decided to order himself a large pizza from Domino’s. However, the blogger accidentally sent his deep dish across the country...to his childhood home in Minnesota. Sound asleep in their bed, his parents awoke at two a.m. to a Domino’s delivery boy at their front door. Instead of scolding their careless progeny, the parents enjoyed the free late–night snack. His brains may be Under the Button, but his pizza is in Middle America.
Speaking of drunchies, two lovers headed to Fresh Grocer for their midnight fix. But instead of going for the delicious sushi bar, they went for each other...right in the main entryway. Fellow shoppers and Fresh Grocer employees flocked to see the sex–crazed maniacs aggressively dry humping against the wall. Well done, Flingers. This is much more creative than hooking up in a common room, alleyway or bed.
Is it hot in here, or are we coming down with a case of Alpha Phiver? Symptoms may include vomiting or taking a huge dump outside the sorority chapter house. Highbrow hears that one poopy bro did just that, dropping some Alpha Pheces on the corner of 41st and Walnut. Excited by the prospect of actual crime, police officers promptly arrested the pooper. Cut him some slack, cops. Maybe he was just trying to claim his territory.
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the 34th Street Downtown. Tabard Riff Raff can only dream to achieve the level of scene experienced at Club Pulse last Thursday night. Bottles were popped, beats were dropped and it was almost stopped by an alleged undercover cop. Naturally, the officer was mesmerized by the utter coolness exhibited by the most badass members of this hallowed university. Gay hooked up with straight. VIPs mixed with club regulars. It was, to put it mildly, obSCENE. Maybe you’ll get the invite next year. Maybe not.
Oh, and an AXO fucked a Chainsmoker in his hotel. We hope she took a good #selfie.
