PSA: This Round Up has been forced to relocate to the Roxxy by the Bureau of Liquor Control Enforcement. Fling may be taking on a new (read: lame) appearance this year, but, luckily, Highbrow will remain its honest self, protected by the lawyers of the Daily Pennsylvanian. Whether you’re headed to Camden, New Jersey or Lit Ultra Bar, we are here for you. You may be broke, but at least you can fill your wallet with gossip. Read it and weep, bitches.
First, let’s take a moment to appreciate dumb freshmen for making Fling even worse—and no, we didn’t even think that was possible. Highbrow hears that the always informative Class of 2017 Facebook group started a rumor that Ware residents were posing as RAs and taking alcohol from students’ rooms. The cyber ruckus caused mayhem in the Quad, as little teeny freshmen ran around, hiding their alcohol in every nook, cranny and empty Gatorade bottle. But no, the spastic frosh freakout was quelled by the Ware House dean, who informed the residents that his army of GAs and RAs were not swiping residents’ alc. Well done, you idiots. This is your first Fling and you’ve already fucked it up? You actually are an embarrassment to this school. Do better.
A gaggle of LGBTQQIAA+ers nearly had asthma attacks at the Carriage Senior Society initiation last week. Sources say that the new members were forced to perform physical acts, such as planks, leap frog and crab walks. For their efforts, they were rewarded with a special kind of hydration. What’s worse than shots of Banker’s, you may ask? Shots of Bankers with a heaping topping of glitter. Congrats on your initiation, Spokes, and may your poop shine bright in the Huntsman toilets.
This past weekend had one frat bro singing “Good Morning, Baltimore!” After traveling to the City of Crab Cakes and Murder to hang with his alumni mentor, this pledge consumed a few too many adult beverages, ultimately blacking out. Likewise, the alum woke up with neither recollection of the night, nor any idea where his little bro went. In this Hangover 5: Baltimore Edition, the alum finally found his mentee alive and hooked up to an IV in a local hospital. Maybe next time he’ll wear a leash.
