Highbrow’s starting a new senior society. You want in? Sorry, we’re not looking for Greek “leaders” or overhyped athletes. No, we’re only tapping the juiciest pieces of gossip to rock this side of the Schuylkill. So grab your hoods and chalk, because it’s going to be a super–exclusive ride. And yes, we haze. With public humiliation.
Speaking of senior societies, half of the junior class was tapped by a new coterie of upperclassmen: Jigsaw. However, the excited puzzle pieces were dismayed to realize that the entire act was a mere April Fool’s day prank. While the jokester remains at large, one thing is certain: you’ll never be that cool, and the only thing you’ll be tapped by is your next sexual partner. If you’re even that lucky.
Everyone knows that housing is stressful, but for one group of freshmen girls the struggle was real. The betches found themselves in a bind for an eighth roommate for their off–campus lair. Unable to find an available freshman scenester, the girls turned to the next best thing: the class of 2018. Highbrow hears that a pre–frosh was enlisted to co–sign the lease, but that doesn’t mean she’s giving up her future Riepe single. Instead, she will use the off–campus room as a closet before moving in sophomore year. Where else would she put her trust fund? Sorry that was harsh, but she doesn’t even go here—yet.
While we’re on the subject of trust funds, two freshmen deposited theirs into the capable hands of Lyn (of Lyn’s food truck). Strapped for smaller bills, the egg–lovers paid for their sandwiches with some hefty Benjamins—yes, as in $100 notes. We know BFrank is our mascot, but this may be taking school spirit a little too far. Oh well, at least Lyn had a good weekend.
Ultra Music Festival may have sent some rave–loving Quakers down south, but one UMiami bro brought the ratchet to us. For some inexplicable reason, the Hurricane forewent one of the world’s best music festivals in favor of a Phi Psi party. Following standard blackout protocol, the southern gent stumbled to TriDelt, where he relieved himself atop their Poland Spring cooler jugs. We’ll classify this as ultra–embarrassing, but at least he returned to the Sunshine State the next day.
