Welcome back to Penn–adise, muchachos. Sorry you have to trade your bikinis for winter parkas. While the weather may be cold and cloudy, Highbrow is here to bring the sunshine back into your lives. We’ve missed you little fuckers.
Spring break gossip would be incomplete without a quick trip to Puerto Vallarta. A day of sunny kayaking took a turn for the worse when two APES bros found themselves stranded at sea...without Uber. Luckily, the Phi Delt booze cruise fished the monkeys out of the tropical waters. That’s what the IFC brotherhood is all about.
But no good deed goes unpunished, especially when Penn bros get a reality check. One shorty tried to take on a group of Duke kids at a party, only to have his nugget booty handed back to him. Highbrow hears that our gladiator had to get stitches in the battle’s aftermath. Guess he’s learned never to dance with the (Blue) Devil.
We know what you’re thinking: was there a three–way? Yes, little guacamoles. Two brothers from different fraternities and their amiga engaged in an orgy that would make Hugh Hefner proud. We applaud the three amigos for keeping a PV tradition alive.
When all the excitement died down and Quakers got ready to return from #bestspringbreakeva, one Kappa Sig found himself without money or a passport. Performing yet another mitzvah, Phi Delt gave the Squirrel enough money to hop a bus to Tijuana, where he somehow managed to get over the border to California. Unclear what body part he had to sell in exchange for crossing the border without proof of citizenship. Highbrow won't judge—we’ve already sold our soul.
1800 miles away in Cancun, three friends got to live the spring break dream: they were invited back to a hot girl’s hotel room. Well, sort of. The girl was in fact a 40 year old married mother, who wined and dined them before showing them to the room’s bathtub. After telling them how “lucky” she was to “be surrounded by three handsome boys,” the trio climbed out of the tub and escaped the cougar’s clutches. Guess she’ll have to play with her own rubber ducky.
