(857): I watch more porn than I watch movies.   (714): God I would jam you so hard   (714): U know I’m hot as fuck   (714): I don’t jerk to ppl who think I’m ugly   (714): Dude ur totes buying condoms at the mall   (510): Spring breakers is actually pretty accurate cause I wanna kill like everyone in Miami right now   (510): Fuck I literally accidently texted my ex instead of you asking him “where he at in this gay club”   (646): I don’t think I’m alive anymore...I just puked 5 times before 1pm   (773): My burn finally turned to tan!! Just in time to peel off...it now looks likes splotty third nipple   (508): My strep rash cleared just in time to get sunburnt   (734): You’d think we’d get drunk and do something fun but we just got drunk and played monopoly   (215): Damn mtha fackacs   (516): She had a nipple piercing and a tramp stamp but told me not to worry because she got both when she 15. Lol daddy issues?   (215): i’ve been wearing the same pair of underwear for 3 days and the only thing i’ve left my house to do is buy cheez its and three pints of half baked   (917): I audibly farted while giving him head and drunkenly said “don’t worry my farts smell like Beyonce”   (310): He’s the cutest nerdy Jew! About to blow him   (732): Ello ello, howd it go moving stuff my british spot of tea? I miss your crooked smile and just wanna help you move...into any space you want ;) (617): Where the fuck is my vicodin   (310): My roommate found me eating tortilla chips outside alone   (310): Too drunk to be romantic so I’m just going to be honest—want a bj?   (915): Sexting at the bar, never have I ever been so glad PR is part of the US.   (203): Pooping with a fresh manicure. The struggle is *real*   (310): He also took a shit right before we started hooking up. The smell permeated a bit into the bedroom.   (310): Cute nerdy Jew from Yale. Meeting him in NYC tomorrow. Our relationship had consisted of snap chatting dick pics so far   (617): Also my phone autocorrects pv to vp...there’s something wrong with that   (609): Most awkward moment of my life. Getting hit on, and a drink bought for me, by this gorgeous British man with my parents sitting next to me. Then my dad intervening...   (860): Do u have a copy of my moms hot in here vid   (609): Direct quote from my little sister to my mom “I wish I had boobs you could take shots out of” she’s gonna do well in college   (Mom): The nicest guy at coffee and tea leaf just helped me by bringing 2 chairs outside. None available inside. His name is Sincere.   (954): Nothin says romance like fresh vomit.   (781): I have thrown up 4 times today though. So i hope i dont vom on him   (DAD): New cool cycling spot called soul cycle opened up in da hill...

More Like This