Hi. I’m LaLa. I’ve had a lot of sex. In my year and a half at Penn, I’ve had more sex than you have and if I haven’t then fuck me. Seriously. I’ve decided it’s time to share my sexual endeavors with you, both good and bad (but never my fault). I am the new campus sexpert and the pleasure is all Penn’s. You see, I’m the kind of girl that wants orgasms for Christmas. Cum hither and let’s get it on.
Hey LaLa, I really want to recreate my tropical spring break sex at Penn. Obviously, Penn is a little less tantric than PV. So where do you think I can get in on Mexico–style in West Philly?
Xx,
FOMO Fucker
Hey FOMO Fucker,
I can only hope your sb was as erotic as mine. Obviously, Spring Break was the perfect excuse to get it on and take a much needed week off from the usual blackout DFMOS at school. Let me give you a run–down of my favorite fuckation destinations and their Quaker (almost) equivalents.
1. The Club/Bar/Restaurant/Hotel Bathroom
Most Enjoyable for: the Down and Dirty
Penn Substitute: Luckily, bathrooms are the same everywhere. Try Blarney for convienence or Rumor for more space. Regardless, you will walk out to either Drexel Dragons or hot Mexicans.
This is really only socially acceptable to do in single stall bathrooms, but in a sticky situation, the men’s room is an option. Quick, potentially rough sex is to be expected. Positioning is limited since it’s typically just standing. However, doing it in public is pretty fucking fun. Also, there is limited interaction afterward so it minimizes all potential awkwardness as each individual can just leave and go back to blacking out.
2. The Beach
Most Enjoyable for: the Romantic
Penn Substitute: This is Philadelphia. The closest thing we have to a beach is the softball field at Penn Park. However, I’d advise venturing to the rugby field for a softer feel—that astroturf is guaranteed to be much more forgiving than sand. At night, it’s gorgeous with stars and the moon if you are into that shit. If pulled off successfully, it can be a great way to spice up your fuck life and is more intimate than a bathroom.
3. The Ocean
Most Enjoyable for: the Wet and W!ld
Penn Substitute: The obvious choice is shower sex. Personally, I don’t enjoy shower sex because the water always splashes into my eyes as opposed to the ocean. On the other hand, I don’t have to worry about handling the waves and avoiding marine life. There’s also no chance of a burning sensation in the vag due to the ocean’s salt water. I don’t suggest hot tub sex because it’s physically very hot and horribly steamy. Additionally, there’s a lot of germs and the infection rate is potentially higher than the tub’s tempurature. So at least at Penn, I’d recommend staying dry.
...but not really.
I’m here all night. Let me take you to LaLa Land, where you’re always satisfied. Email me you your questions: Asklala@34st.com
