Highbrow has three words for you: Love. My. LITTLE. Oh my god, could you be any cuter? You are so perfect for me and this lineage! Like, it almost feels like you came out of my own uterus. But we’re not gonna make you a fake Facebook or send you stripping pledges from Oz. We’re serving up the big big big big grandbiggest gossip since...last week. P.S. Your Big loves you!
During the vastly overrated winter storm of last week, most Penn students hunkered down inside. But the Sammy pledges wouldn’t let the sleet prevent them from having a little (love you!) winter fun. Cranking up Idina Menzel and the “Frozen” soundtrack, the freshmen answered “Yes!” to Kristen Bell’s question “Do you want to build a snowman?” As the storm raged on, the artists really let themselves go, creating an army of snowy Sammy statues. Highbrow’s hoping this will serve as inspiration for the hit Disney sequel, “Brozen.”
“VagMons” wasn’t counting on audience participation during Saturday’s performance, but one girl just couldn’t keep it in her pants. During a particularly intense monologue, the cries onstage were joined by moans and snorts from the back of Irvine. Concerned citizens and a TriDelt nurse hurried to the distressed patron’s side, only to find out that she was neither sick nor orgasming. She was, in fact, just waking up from a pot–brownie–induced nap. Who doesn’t want to get stoned before “The Vagina Monologues”? Answer: everyone. Highbrow advises you to save your edibles for Spongebob and the “Life of Pi.”
“House of Cards” isn’t the only political scandal to rock Penn’s campus this week. Highbrow hears that a fraternity president created his own Philly version of “The Hangover" with a blackout city–wide odyssey. The Commander–in–Greek made several stops on his drunken joyride, momentarily blacking in whilst playing the organ at a local church. He ended his trip at 7 a.m. when he awoke to find himself in an unfamiliar house on 50th and Walnut. How he managed to emerge unhurt and well–rested is beyond mortal understanding. Much like Highbrow, God is always watching. Halle–fucking–lujah.
Dr. Highbrow here with a Surgeon General’s warning. There’s something in the air other than the common cold and chlamydia: conjunctivitis. For once, red–eyed Beta brothers aren’t actually high, but suffering from a case of pink–eye. Shockingly, females were spotted with the same disease as the weekend came to a close. As per doctor’s orders, don’t be blinded by their lax pinnies and Sperrys. Wash your hands and stay away from Spruce Street.
