DISCLAIMER: Amy Gutmann did not actually write this, and Ben Franklin is dead, stupid.
Best Picture: “12 Years A Slave”
While I know my beloved Wharton constituents are hoping for “The Wolf of Wall Street” or perhaps “American Hustle,” the Academy will give the big prize to the best and brightest movie in the best and brightest season in recent cinematic history. And, real talk, that film is “12 Years A Slave”—a brutal, heart–wrenching, transcendent work of art. It will be shown in classrooms for decades to come (History of the American South, anyone?).
Best Actor: Matthew McConaughey, “Dallas Buyers Club”
A wonderful slew of performances by many iconic talents this year and, while I personally am rooting for Chiwetel Ejiofor of “12 Years,” I predict surfer–bro–turned–legitimate–actor Matt will continue his winning streak on Sunday for his remarkable role as an AIDS patient. I’m well aware, however, that the Quaker ladies have their fingers crossed for somehow–still–Oscarless Leo DiCaprio—never say never!
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, “Blue Jasmine”
Shut it down, people, this is Cate’s TIME TO SHINE. She won Supporting for her amazing portrayal as Katharine Hepburn in “The Aviator,” but now she’s the lead and frontrunner over Sandra, Judi, Amy and even Meryl. I sure don’t know what I would do if I lost my glamorous lifestyle like Jaz, but Cate’s revelatory performance showed me just how far the mighty can fall.
Best Supporting Actor, Jared Leto, “Dallas Buyers Club”
In a twisted world where Jonah Hill has been nominated for an Oscar twice, rest assured he has no chance of winning over 30 Seconds to Mars’ Jared Leto, who is now an esteemed actor. Hollywood so often forgets the T in LGBT and Leto's captivating, layered performance has garnered immense praise and a near–lock on Oscar night. Plus, the 42–year–old’s (!) flowing ombre hair is the only other look I’d consider trying on besides my blonde locks.
Best Supporting Actress: Lupita N’yongo, “12 Years A Slave”
Cannot rave enough about Lupita, so let’s just settle to say she’s a goddess, she’s consistently the best dressed on the red carpet and her heartbreaking work as abused slave Patsey blows Jennifer Lawrence’s boozy housewife out of the water. I predict and pray the Academy recognizes the Kenyan actress’s career–making debut.
Best Picture: “American Hustle”
The American Hustlers are my kind of people. Clever and cunning—with a bald spot and a pot belly! And whoo-wee those boobies, Amy. Mmm, Ben Franklin can think of absolutely nothing he likes more. On a more serious note, though, David O. Russell knocked it out the park once again (holla @ Philly, Silver Linings) and this time it’ll pay off.
Best Actor: Leonardo DiCaprio, “The Wolf of Wall Street”
He’s powerful, he’s virile, he’s all–American. He’s a little Ben Franklin. He’ll never win—but he’s as sexy and suave a representation of the American Dream we’ll get these days. Plus, it’s deliciously self–righteous to root for the most–qualified underdog.
Best Actress: Amy Adams, “American Hustle”
While I will admit that her ever–present cleavage is playing a role in my decision on this one, Amy’s role as a con artist playing back and forth between a British and American accent was impressive to say the least. I’m calling her as underdog coming out on top against the revered lady Cate. If for no other reason then to go against the grain. I’m Ben Franklin, y’all.
Supporting Actor: Jonah Hill, “The Wolf of Wall Street”
I like men after my own heart, and Jonah Hill is that man. He knows he’s hot stuff despite his somewhat alarming appearance, and he’s got the wit to put down any haters, especially in his turn as Donnie Azoff in my favorite meditation on the glory of money, “The Wolf of Wall Street.” And pulling off those teeth? A feat in itself, there, Joney–boy.
Supporting Actress: Lupita N’yongo, “12 Years a Slave"
She gave a breakout performance, and it’d be good of the Academy to recognize that. No competition. Although, had Amy Adam’s sideboob been nominated in this category (let’s talk about the biggest snub of the Oscar season), Ms. N’yongo might have had some robust competition.
Check out our reviews of "12 Years a Slave" and "Dallas Buyers Club"!
