Well, well, well. You may be thinking new year, new you, but Highbrow resolves to bring the gossip 2K14 times harder, juicier and dirtier. So fasten your fur–hooded jackets, kittens, it’s going to be a delicious ride.
First things first: Penn is dankrupt. As in, we are fresh out of Colombia’s finest...and no, we’re not talking about Theta rushes. Highbrow hears that our hallowed Ivy League school is suffering from the worst weed shortage since last year’s weed shortage. The bongs are dry once again. Why does this keep happening? Does Amy Gutmann know about this? Potato famine, you’re officially second–tier.
Though the ganja has left the building, one AXO sister still had fun at an off–campus party. After doing body shots off of a scantily–clad guest (read: female stripper), the srat star proceeded to make out with Magic Michelle. Rumor has it that their tryst was broken up by a fire alarm, yet the stripper and her posse refused to evacuate. As the saying goes, strippers can’t say no to an AXO. But they can say no to federal building restrictions.
One sceney freshman felt a similar pain of rejection. With a Tabard bid on the horizon, the downtown diva withdrew herself from the inferiority that is formal sorority recruitment. Unfortunately, Tabard withdrew her from their freshman pledge class. Oh, our furry-vested friend, didn’t you learn in prep school not to count your Cartier Love bracelets before they hatch? Cheer up—at least you can pack your own lunchbox.
In a shocking plot twist, the brothers of SAE employed Drexel girls as a rush tactic. At SAE’s annual golf night, the Drexelites hosted their own room. However, the bros’ logic was justified, seeing as the Dragonettes breathed more than just fire—giving blow–jays to the SAE rushes. I suppose we could say they scored a hole in one...
