This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013
Ah, don’t you just love the smell of Big Macs in the morning? McDonald’s is more than just the place for your drunken McNugget binge—it’s also a hotbed for all of the seediest Penn gossip. Listen up, McLovers, cause Highbrow’s ready to take you from the deep fryer straight into the belly of the beast.
You go to McDonald’s to get your after–party drunchies fix, but little did you know that the party continues after you head out with your McFlurry. You may have thought twerking was only for your mirror and the Whisper dance floor, but one old lady brought the fiesta over to our favorite 40th and ’Nut late night. Apparently, this elderly betch has a thing for twerking in front of the cash register. Don’t worry, granny, nuggets make us go wild too. We only wish Ronald would accept booty–bumping instead of Benjamins.
But who needs to pay for their own food when you have chivalrous frat boys to buy it for you? Highbrow hears one AXO girl did just that. The hungry sister found a generous Castle benefactor to fund her late night cravings in a rare show of douchanthropy. But it didn’t stop there. The boy also comped a Big Mac on the same bill for a nearby homeless dude. Who said that chivalry was dead? When asked for whom exactly he was paying, the Castle bro responded, “I’m with these two” pointing to the street urchin and AXO. Guess you can’t say no to an AXO or a hobo.
But not everyone is so charitable. Sources tell Highbrow that one exhibitionist Oz boy was merely trying to enjoy a simple meal with his friend in McDonald’s blissful atmosphere. Maybe it was because he wasn’t wearing a shirt, or maybe it was his drunken gaze, but a few fellows found his presence intolerable. Naturally, a fight ensued in which he repeatedly insulted them by calling them fat, to which they responded by making faces at him. Glad we graduated from the fourth grade… maybe next time they should order a Happy Meal.
Not even the delicious, delicious flavor of straight grease could mitigate the disgust one girl felt after blacking in to realize she’d popped her vegetarian cherry. For 15 years, a morsel of meat had never passed her lips. Until one fateful McNight. The now ex–veg woke up to photographic evidence of her scarfing down a McDouble. We’re not even sure if anything at Mickey D’s actually qualifies as meat. If she was craving protein, Miss Cassandra knows a few meatless avenues worth pursuing.
Miley Cyrus once prophesized, “everyone in line in the bathroom, tryna get a line in the bathroom.” A few alpine skiiers obviously took Ms. Montana a little too literally at our most McLoved eatery. Supposedly, they indulged in a classic campus pasttime: doing lines of cocaine in the McDonald’s bathroom with a terminally ill elderly woman. We all know you could buy a Coke to get into the bathroom, but we didn’t know you could also buy coke to get into the bathroom. We hope they at least supersized it.
In our favorite McDonald’s story of the year, Highbrow’s bringing back a ghost of Round Ups past. Let us refresh your memory: one meat queen was spotted getting a Big Mac devoured off her McTits. As if that wasn’t steamy enough, the lucky diner followed his feast up by sprinkling bacon bits atop her cleavage. We’re seeing some big possibilities here. "Fifty McShades of Grey?" Or maybe "One Night Under the Golden Arches?" Who needs porn when you have McDouble D’s?
That’s all bitches. This may be the last Round Up of the semester, but we’re always judging you. You can find us at McDonald’s. Suck our McDicks.
