This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013
McDonald's
The Set-Up:
The 24–inch Westinghouse TV is only visible from about four seats (strategically nailed into the floor), and the subtitles are only visible from about two. Nevertheless, even when the signal fails (which happens frequently), these seats still offer VIP access to that additional four–piece McNuggets you know you want.
The Programming:
2:00 a.m.: “SportsCenter” I’m drunk. I don’t eat McDonald’s. What’s with all these college football highlights? I stopped caring after Notre Dame’s Brady Quinn/Charlie Weiss days. As I stuff my face, I realize my “exercise” for the day consisted solely of walking to and from class. That’s all. Thanks for making me feel worthless, Florida State.
11:30 a.m.: “Bethenny” If you’re ever in the mood for a little self–loathing, go to McDonald’s hungover at noon to catch up on some serious Micky D–List daytime talk: Bethenny Frankel’s new talk show (yes, as in “Real Housewives of NYC” Bethenny). She must have honed her hosting chops between brawling with Jill Zarin and sipping Skinnygirl Margaritas. At least there’s some solid irony to enjoy, as Bethenny has probably never been within 10 feet of a Big Mac.
12:00 p.m.: “Judge Judy” Her Honor is giving diet advice. In McDonald’s. The irony continues to be bountiful. Her producers substantiate these nutritional nuggets with some photos of Judy getting nudie in a bikini on the beach with her husband. Needless to say, I put down my McNugget. I could probably use some self–help, considering I just willfully sat in McDonald’s for an hour watching a 24–inch Westinghouse TV.
1:30 p.m.: “Divorce Court” Nothing spices up and/or solidifies a relationship like going on a trip to semi–scripted midday divorce court. Unfortunately, two other McDonald’s customers were also feeling the lovin’. They interrupt my viewing experience with a passionate makeout sesh in front of the screen. If only life imitated art.
Taco Bell
The Set-Up:
Within the sketchy, dimly lit food court at 34th and Walnut that happens to contain a Taco Bell, you’ll encounter three large flatscreen HD TVs mounted on the left–hand wall. Yes, we said three. Yes, we said HD. Welcome to the lap of luxury.
The Programming:
Before 5:00 p.m.: “The Weather Channel" While I'm glad Taco Bell Express has three TVs, somehow three different Weather Channels aren’t quite as riveting as the aforementioned Micky D–List talk shows. At least Bethenny provides a decent amount of comic relief.
5:00 p.m.: Local News Just saw a few Penn students on the news at 30th Street Station. I would make fun of you guys, but I’m also eating alone in a Taco Bell while you’re going home for Thanksgiving. Strangers from Locust, consider yourselves spared. (Ed. Note: For now.)
5:15 p.m.: Local News From what I could infer from the subtitles designed for ants, someone robbed a Wawa in a “Scream” mask. Is it bad that I find that funny? I can’t bear this any longer. I might have to go “Live Más” at Chipotle.
8:53 p.m.: "Rudolph the Red–Nosed Reindeer"/"CNN News"/"Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." I wonder what reindeer tastes like. Do reindeer even exist? Are they just deer that work for Santa? A ground reindeer taco would be so festive; Taco Bell should get on that. In other news, stuff is going on in the world, and I’m watching TV in a food–court Taco Bell.
9:24 p.m.: “NCIS:LA”/”CNN News”/”Dancing With the Stars” Have I been living under a rock to not know that “Dancing with the Stars” is still a thing? Which forgotten third rate celebrity is gonna win this time around? I’m hoping it’s that random Hobbit from “Lord of the Rings.” I may actually stay until they close just to watch "NCIS." Then, when I get home, I’m gonna binge watch every previous episode on Netflix so I don’t have to do any homework Now that sounds like a plan.
The Verdict
In terms of number of television sets and screen resolution, Taco Bell obviously wins. However, everybody’s favorite fast food joint takes the proverbial cake on the content–selection front. Somewhere within the vast and mysterious veins that fuel the McDonald’s empire, a team of behavioral scientists have worked tirelessly day and night to answer the age–old question: “What do we want to watch while inhaling a piece of ‘meat’ stuck between two buns?” The answer, it seems, is television shows that depict the people on the lowest end of the totem pole. Besides you, McD's eater. You suck, too.
