This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013
Look, it’s an objective fact that McDonald’s is best at at 3 a.m. Yet—hold on to your socks, ’cause this is going to blow your mind—everything at McDonald's contains calories. As we enter winter break swimsuit season, looking svelte and sexy should be one of everyone’s top priorities. So, Ego’s concocted some fairly inconspicuous exercises that’ll help you keep your figure—all while you wait in line.
Pushdowns Areas Targeted: Triceps, Forearms Where You’ll Need to Go: Ketchup dispensers Calories Burned: 20–35
1. Stand upright with your legs in a neutral position (feet roughly shoulder–width apart), with a slight inclination towards the dispenser.
2. Place upper arm directly next to body, with your palm squarely on the dispenser’s top.
3. Push down on dispenser until forearm is completely perpendicular with the floor.
4. Slowly bring arm back to starting position.
5. Complete four sets of 25 reps.
Note: Bring a disposable container or otherwise appropriate tupperware to collect released condiments. Return condiments to register when sets are completed.
Body Pull–Up Areas Targeted: Pectorals, Triceps and Abs Where You’ll Need to Go: The high seats by the counter Calories Burned: 55-70
1. Sit in one of the high seats, grasping firmly onto the armrests.
2. Tightening your core, lift yourself up from your sitting position, until your body is off the chair. Keep elbows tight and underneath your shoulders.
3. Slowly return to starting position.
Squats Areas Targeted: Thighs, Butt Where You’ll Need to Go: To an empty booth—the ones by the Happy Meal display work well Calories Burned: 35–55
1. Stand with your feet shoulder–width apart, facing away from the booth.
2. Bend through your knees and lower your body into a sitting position. Keep your chest upright and push through your heels, not your toes.
3. Let butt lightly tap seat.
4. Slowly return to a standing position.
5. Complete three sets of 12 reps.
Buttock Pinches Areas targeted: Butt, duh Where You’ll Need to Go: Anywhere and everywhere. It's discreet. Unless you fart. Calories burned: 5-10
1. While standing on the balls of your feet, clench your buttocks together tightly for three seconds.
2. Slowly release and go back to the flats of your feet.
3. Complete four sets of 15 reps.
Standing Calf Raises Areas targeted: Calves, Thighs Where You’ll Need to Go: That lattice wall thing Calories burned: 15-25
1. Grasp that strange lattice wall for support and balance.
2. Slowly raise yourself on your tiptoes, stretching your calf muscles.
3. Lower yourself back down to the flats of your feet, stretching slightly backwards onto your heels.
4. Complete five sets of 12 reps.
