This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013
How can I spice up my sex life?
If there’s one question that Miss Cassandra gets over and over, it’s this one. Well, you horny little bastards, this week Cassie is taking a page out of Cosmo and delivering the kink.
Here you go, ducklings:
*Try spicing it up by having sex where you could easily get caught, like a McDonald’s bathroom. The risk makes the reward all that much sweeter.
*Sexy role–play is always something that can get you hot and bothered when your love life has been lacking. I suggest starting with some of the standards: Cop and Robber, Sexy Nurse and Dying Cancer Patient, Ronald McDonald and the Hamburglar. The possibilities are endless.
*When giving oral, don’t be afraid to use teeth. Men love teeth. If you can growl like a mad dog, it will make him go especially crazy. Tear it open like a ketchup packet. That’s not fear in his eyes, ladies, he's just intimidated by how sexy you are.
*Sauces, oh god yes, sauces. Literally no human can resist a good sauce in bed. Drizzle it on anything, and it tastes so, so good coming off. And there are so many choices: spicy buffalo, creamy ranch, chipotle barbeque. One for every day of the week.
*Sex breakfast. Sexfast. Just as he’s about to cum, make him shoot his icing on some McDonald’s pancakes. Don’t knock it till you try it. Delicious.
*Just fuck in the middle of McDonald’s.
I have a really big problem, Miss Cassandra; I can’t eat McDonald’s chicken McNuggets without orgasming. I love to eat them but want to eat them in public without scaring people. Help me!
Sweetie, you don’t have a problem. It’s everyone else that has the problem. Honestly, I’m worried that other people aren’t having orgasms while eating chicken McNuggets. Have they tasted them? Have they savored their sweet, sweet chicken–y core encrusted with a crispy deep–fried exterior? My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it. And it’s not just the plaque clogging my arteries.
You see, Miss Cassandra is a big proponent of doing what makes you feel good, as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. You eat those chicken McNuggets, girl, and you eat them proudly. Go for it—indulge in multiple sauces, as many as you want (as long as you’re being safe). Get yours. Anyone staring is just jealous.
