This article was originally published as part of the joke issue on 12.5.2013
My Dearest, Dirtiest McDonald’s,
I’m young, broke, hungry and most likely drunk, so what do I do? I go to you, McDonald’s, my eternally filthy mistress. Nothing is better than your cheap thrills and most tender tenders. And by that, I mean your Dollar Menu. What’s better than the Dollar Menu? World peace? Getting an “A” in an upper level chem class? Food that isn’t actually made of a mix of Styrofoam and lard? No, none of those things, because the Dollar Menu is the best thing ever. It’s your menu's superstar, for both its many contributions to the world and its MVP (Most Valuable Platter) status.
Or, at least, it was.
This hamburger season, you introduced the “Dollar Menu and More,” otherwise known as the regular menu at all other fast food restaurants ever. With this, you murdered our love child. “The Dollar Menu and More” has many of the things that were once on the Holy Dollar Menu, but they're lost in a sea of supposed “discounted items” that are no damn different from the rest of the menu. Do you think I’m a dumbass, my sweetly exploitative lover? I see right through you.
When googling “Dollar Menu and More,” the first hit links to your homepage. Instead of linking directly to the “Dollar Menu and More,” clicking only brings me to your entire fucking menu. Everything. I literally cannot access the “Dollar Menu and More” from your website, because—surprise—everything on your menu is a dollar or more. You are drowning in semantics here, McD’s. Let’s take a quick look at some of the items on this so–called value menu. One is a side salad. Yes, a side salad. I feel betrayed. A side salad is not something I want at McDonald’s ever, no matter what price it is. I will not settle for being something on the “side.” Or here’s another one: “soft baked oatmeal raisin cookies.” Like, that’s cool, but they got rid of the apple pie for this shit, and I’m having none of it. Stop whispering sweet nothings into my ear and bring back my McOrgasmic Dollar Menu.
You know why I go to you, McDonald’s? For drunk, unhealthy, gross goodness. All this talk of salads and non–fried foods makes me nervous. Why do you feel the need to go changing on me? I thought what we had was special, so why all the secrets? I thought we were exclusive.
This is the last red and yellow straw. I think I’m going to have to move on to less greasy pastures. You’re losing the parts of you that made you, well, you. I will miss all the times we shared and all the tiny dollar–sized fries that I refused to share with anyone else. I committed. Did you?
Please McLove me again, Your Dollar Menu Darling
