“Baptized” debuted last week from “American Idol” fourth–runner–up Chris Daughtry and his band, Daughtry. Surprisingly, the album’s title is not a giveaway for some religious revival. The band members are still balding, midlife crisis rockers who wear boot–cut jeans and way too much pseudo–religious jewelry—but now with a “folk–pop twist.” Even a religious album would’ve been better than this desperate last push to milk some of that “American Idol” fame. The album’s namesake song, “Baptized,” sounds like someone made Imagine Dragons chug Tennessee honey whiskey and play on banjos while they do that screaming–singing thing. The lyrics sound equally drunk: “Take me down, take me down to the water water, hold me in until I see the light. Let me down, let me drown in your honey honey, in your love I wanna be baptized.” Of all the strange words available to rhyme with light—Sprite, cat fight, Walter Cronkite—Daughtry chose “baptized.” Not only does “baptized” not really even rhyme, it serves as a pretty confusing metaphor. Especially one that will set the theme for an entire album. If the band isn’t trying to get all close and personal with Evangelicals, it’s not clear what they are singing about. Is Daughtry asking to fall in love with someone who will drown them in water or to be baptized by a bee? The world may never know. And the rest of the album is not worth listening to to find out. It will probably be over–played on a “contemporary adult hit” station, likely while at the dentist. Even though nothing sounds good while leaned back, blinded by fluorescent lights and choking on someone else’s gloved hands in your mouth, Daughtry’s at a whole other level of terrible—even for dentist music.
Grade: D Download: “Baptized” Sounds best when: You’re running on a Pottruck first floor treadmill after chugging a HipCityVeg milkshake (and by that we mean pureed bananas).
