Aries (March 21–April 20): People love being around you because of your vibrant and talkative nature. This month, your confidence will draw in the partner you’ve been eyeing from afar in an unlikely situation (think “When Harry Met Sally,” DRL edition) around the 20th. Your strong opinions often cause you to speak without thinking, much like the THEOS listserv. Be careful! You don’t want to be the next see–through scenester.
You’re possibly in: The Excelano Project. Everyone loves listening to you.
Taurus (April 21–May 21): Due to Taurus’ loyal and dependable behavior, Highbrow predicts you’ll spend this weekend performing selfless acts, like holding back your roommate’s hair while she vomits for the third time. Don’t worry, though, the kindness will be repaid double on the 17th of the month. That same roommate will realize your worth and pay you back.
You’re possibly in: MERT. You’re used to helping drunken people who vomit on themselves.
Gemini (May 22–June 21): Everyone was a fan of your imaginative Halloween costume, but this is a wake–up call for all you Geminis. You like to think you’re the best thing since HubBub opened its doors, but everyone else thinks you’re downright superficial. Reel it back a notch and stop talking about all the “totally cool SABSing” you did at the downtown last week; nobody cares, sweetie. When Saturn appears in harmony with Jupiter, you may be relevant again.
You’re possibly in: Quadramics. Your talent soars above your penchant for the dramatic.
Cancer (June 22–July 22): You’ve been hooking up with that smokin’ hot girl or guy for just enough time for your clinginess to start flaring up like acne in DRL. You want to take things to the next level but, ugh, your partner doesn’t want to start holding hands on Locust. Tone it down a little, Cancer, and make sure you and your guy or girl are on the same page.
You’re possibly in: Penn Secular Society. We all see you—and you can be a bit intense.
Leo (July 23–August 22): Well, Leo, we can hear you roar. Literally, stop being so loud. Leos are known for their boisterous personalities. You might be a lion, but you’re far from the cat’s meow. You’ll learn that the hard way this month when something from your past comes to haunt you. Make sure you make amends, and you’ll be in the clear.
You’re possibly in: St. Anthony’s Hall. You’ll protect your reputation at all costs.
Virgo (August 23–September 23): You’ve spent way too much time in a Van Pelt carrel plotting perfection. Your determination, and borderline obsession, will help you get an A on your English paper, but in doing so you’re cutting yourself off from friends and potential lovers. This will reach critical mass by the last week of the month, and Virgo, sweet duckling, please take a shower, a study break and realize there’s more to the world than Mark’s Cafe.
You’re possibly in: CIS 110. We no hablo Java.
Libra (September 24–October 23): As a Libra, you’re always seeking the finer things in life. This month you’ll probably complete at least one lap around Van Pelt with your Pod delivery bag before actually eating your California rolls. But be sure to balance your lifestyle with some actual studying. Equilibrium is the key to your happiness.
You’re possibly on: The UA. You work hard at upholding harmony.
Scorpio (October 24–November 22): Scorpio, you think “there ain’t nobody fresher than your clique.” However, your loyalty to your peeps often borders on obsession. You often find yourself yelling at nightclub bouncers and Penn Police when they chastise your drunken homies. But this month you’ll take obsession to the next level. That secret you’re hiding will consume more and more of your life. Take a step back and evaluate your choices.
You’re possibly in: THEOS. You know what you did.
Sagittarius (November 23–December 21): Nothing will stop you from getting a job at Goldman, especially not sex. For you, love is a word in the dictionary, which you never had time to read, obviously. This month you will suppress your human desires like you suppress the other students in your group project. Unlike Scorpio, you don’t try to mask your dubious intent with empty remarks like “let’s get lunch!” No, you’re cold, hard and Amy Gutmann–y. Around the 10th, people will continue to dislike you, and you will continue to not give a shit.
You’re possibly on: Wharton International Business Review and you are not apologizing for it.
Capricorn (December 22–January 20): You’re known as the mother hen of your group and everyone looks up to you. Responsible, ambitious and resourceful, you’ll go far in life. However, people think you might be a bit bossy. When Virgo is in the house of Venus, you’ll receive some bad news that you won’t be able to control or fix by yourself.
You’re possibly in: SAC. You pretend you have all the power, but sometimes there’s nothing you can do.
Aquarius (January 21–February 19): Alright Aquarius, you think you’re really bad ass. That’s right, you reuse the “paid” stickers to steal food from Houston. You march to the beat of your own drum. However, this month your sarcastic and rebellious nature will cause problems at homecoming. Your ironic school spirit won’t mesh with the hordes coming back to root for the Red and the Blue. Just don’t bean anybody with toast.
You’re possibly in: St. Elmo Club. We all know you bought that beanie at Urban Outfitters—we have the same one.
Pisces (February 20–March 20): Like, oh my God, just get over it already. Whatever’s been bothering you is not worth it, honey. Everyone complains that you’re oversensitive, and sometimes you just have to suck it up. Like having a 9 a.m. on a Friday, life’s a bitch, then you die. Get used to it. To be fair, your compassion shines, and you’ll be rewarded for your kindness when the sun aligns with Mars.
You’re possibly in: West Philly Tutoring Project. You help others before yourself.
