Ah yes, life at Penn goes on, ducklings. Mask and Wig had its show. Highbrow didn’t go. The Adderall popped as midterms loomed. Highbrow didn’t partake. Backpacks still got checked at Van Pelt. Highbrow doesn’t go to the library. As sands through the hourglass, this is the gossip of our lives.
Things went really far down under when one abroad junior broke into his friends’ apartment while visiting them in Australia. Apparently, after drinking one too many Kangaroo Jack Daniels, the boy returned to his accommodations, drunk and without a key. However, never fear, he put his Ivy League education to use, punching a hole through the glass and hoisting himself up. After finding their apartment covered in blood and broken glass the next day, the homeowners assumed they had been burgled. Nope, just another Penn kid. Whoever said laws without morals are useless?
OZ really claimed their territory on the streets of West Philly this weekend. In a move that we can only describe as stupid, Highbrow hears one junior got arrested outside of his own party after peeing in front of a cop. Good thing he zipped up before fifty people watched him get handcuffed. There’s a yellow brick road for you, Dorothy.
After consuming what we assume to be an inhuman number of pumpkin spice lattes, sources tell us that one Tridelt overdosed on something much more G–rated than X… caffeine. In need of Decaffeination, Detoxification and De–stressing the tridelt removed herself from Penn's notorious caffeine scene and returned home. Who knew the three D’s were so therapeutic?
You can’t put a price on social relevance… or can you? Sources say that the brothers of ZBT were having serious Beige Block FOMO and took matters into their own hands, or should we say wallets? As a bidding war broke out over one particular house, the brothers dropped Zillions, Billions and Trillions for a space on The Block. Well, actually just a casual $16K. But still, that’s no chump change. Let’s just call it the pursuit of jappiness.
