STEP 1: CHUG SOME H20 We know it’s hard to drink water when you have all that beer staring you in the face, but you’re going to have to suck it up. Now’s the time to finally put all those dusty Brita filters to use. As a PennAM email famously said, “Drink water. Beer is not water.”
STEP 2: DRUG YOURSELF Sometimes the basics, like DayQuil and Tylenol, can make a bad cold or flu manageable. If you’re too sick to get it yourself, ask a roommate or friend to grab you something while they’re out and about. You deserve it after all—you’re sick. Also, if it’s getting really bad, talk to an actual doctor. See step six.
STEP 3: EAT REAL FOOD It’s hard to be healthy at college, especially when McNuggets continue to be delicious. That’s a fact. It’s especially hard when your kitchen is a microwave that’s located under your desk (to keep your feet warm, duh). But stock up on some basic citrus and even splurge on that canned soup. Remember: a moment on the lips, a lifetime of not coughing uncontrollably during your midterm.
STEP 4: HIT THE SACK Isn’t it the absolute worst that you get sick on the same night of that Super Big Party that everyone is going to? Why does this happen to you all the time? Why is your life the hardest? To paraphrase that Bloomers sketch they do all the time, man up. You can party in your dreams.
STEP 5: TELL THE PROF Contrary to popular belief, they get sick just like the rest of us. Just don’t be dumb about it—emailing your professor the night before a paper is due and telling them you’re “sick” is going to look awfully suspicious.
STEP 6: GET YOUR SORRY ASS TO SHS When all else fails, go to Student Health Services (you’ll probably end up in the ER since SHS is never open). You’re paying for it, you might as well use it.
