DRUNK
So, I’m drunk at the Harrison “Sky” Lounge. I think this is the only sky lounge I’ve ever been to that doesn’t have a bar. Guess it’s a good thing I pre–gamed.
Anyways, I’m here to see “Kill Bill Volume 1.” OH MY GOD THERE’S FREE CHIPOTLE. Just kidding, I must have come here for the free Chipotle. There are so few people here. Clearly, they didn’t advertise the free Chipotle on the flyers. But some girl did a BYOGuac, so she must have known about the Chipotle, right?
Wait, Uma Thurman is in this. I once had a friend who went to school with Uma Thurman’s daughter. But now we aren’t friends anymore. Never got to meet lil Uma.
Part of this movie is in Japanese, and I really don’t want to read the subtitles. That’s a lot of effort. All the writing is in yellow, and I’m wondering why. I don’t like yellow really.
There’s a lot of blood. I have a very strong desire to clean it up, even stronger than my desire to insta this view.
Even in the animated parts, there’s a ton of blood.
I can’t decide which is worse, all the shots of feet or all the gunshots. I feel like samurai swords are hipster guns.
The blood in this movie is like a red fountain. Does blood really spurt up like that? Maybe this is why I’m not pre–med.
This movie makes me feel stupid because there’s definitely something to get, and I just really don’t get it. Also, there are a ton of wacky sound effects in the movie.
The best line by far is, “silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.” I think I really got that one. I wonder if they are referring to Trix yogurt or cereal.
Note to self: don’t wear all white or all yellow next time I’m gonna be attacked by Uma Thurman with a sword. The blood stands out really clearly, and it stains and looks gross. All black would probably be the best call.
HIGH
Twenty minutes early, and it really doesn’t look like there’s gonna be a movie… there’s an Asian girl sleeping on a couch with a blanket. Okay, we’re still the only ones here but now there’s like 30 Chipotle burritos (I guess they don’t like Qdoba) on the table so, like, do we go get one, or…? There have been multiple reports that this movie is super gory. Okay, okay, it’s starting, I thought the girl breathing during the opening credits was having sex but turns out she’s being tortured #oops. I didn’t know this was Tarantino. Okay, wait, how did we go from that to the blonde chick being super sadistic? Full disclosure: I can’t figure out if I’m supposed to be taking this movie seriously, and I’m really trying to take a nap ’cause this movie doesn’t even make any sense. This girl’s toes are weird. Wait, why have we switched to cartoons? Just ’cause it’s about an Asian girl now? Too much blood. What is this movie? WTF is this speech… “I collect your fucking head!” I can’t handle the violence—can’t we all be friends and just be super badass together?! Okay, that was so Tarantino.
SOBER
There are movies and there are Tarantino flicks; and in a choice between the two, the latter will always prevail. In “Kill Bill Volume 1,” Uma Thurman plays The Bride, a pregnant former member of the DiVAS (Deadly Viper Assassination Squad) who leaves the assassination business behind to marry a civilian and live the Stepford life. However, that dream is shattered as Thurman’s former boss, Bill, who is also the father of her unborn child, orders her assassination and that of her husband and everyone else at the wedding. Thought to be dead, The Bride is really in a coma, and once she wakes up gives a whole new meaning to “hell hath no fury like a former woman assassin who was the target of a botched assassination attempt.”
Tarantino somehow finds a way to infuse a tale of bloody revenge with witty dialogue and unexpected humor. The fight scenes are one of the main draws of the film. From the very first fight with Black Mamba, the film sets a standard for the action it will deliver. Through the violence and flashbacks, all the characters become fully developed, making the film seem substantial instead of just another action movie.
In spite of the movie being amazing, it was my 13th time seeing it. The shining lights of Center City screamed my name and every time Thurman lopped off a limb, I found myself formulating a drinking game. Seeing as how the screening was for a class, I should have been less surprised that people were taking notes; I marked that down as a gulp and will make sure to BYO the next screening I came to.
