10:01 p.m.: Supplies: Beer, check. Vodka, check. Funnel, check. Butt, check.
10:07 p.m.: Lock myself in the bathroom and turn on the shower to hide what I’m doing from my roommates. I hope I don’t die naked with a funnel in my ass.
10:10 p.m.: Try to do a headstand. This funnel is not working out. Need to do some recalculating.
10:13 p.m.: Walk to Fresh Grocer to buy an enema. I’m nothing if not committed.
10:31 p.m.: Beer–filled enema in hand, I check out the Internet for butt–chugging tips.
10:32 p.m.: That Buzzfeed article sucked. YouTube videos are better.
10:33 p.m.: There are so many videos. These guys can’t be straight. This is like watching some weird gay fetish porn.
10:34 p.m.: Oh my God, a whole bottle of wine was just poured into that dude’s asshole.
10:36 p.m.: Let’s do this. Lube up the enema, insert and squeeze. This feels strange.
10:39 p.m.: How long until I’m supposed to feel something? Am I doing too much? Nah, that guy took an entire bottle of wine.
10:41 p.m.: Start the wine enema. Franzia’s cheap price is worth it when you don’t taste it.
10:42 p.m.: Feeling tipsy, and I’ve only ingested the equivalent of, like, half a beer and a glass of wine. Fuck—if this weren’t so damn complicated, I’d get drunk like this every weekend.
10:55 p.m.: “Dude, you’ve been in the bathroom for, like, 40 minutes. What are you doing in there?” My roommates are onto me.
10:56 p.m.: “Nothing, don’t worry about it.”
10:59 p.m.: Ok, time for the big one, double vodka shot. Prepare the enema bottle.
11:00 p.m.: Not a good idea, this one burns. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Immediately release it into the toilet.
11:07 p.m.: One more wine enema, and I’m done. My butthole has had enough action for one night.
11:18 p.m.: At least I’ll be prepared for my next colonic. Get dressed and feel myself about to black out.
1:30 a.m.: Black back in. Not the first time I was drunk off my ass.
