Welcome, welcome, one and all, to Penn’s premier and only glance into the scandalous lives of West Philly’s elite. For newbies, The Round Up will both give your life meaning and strike fear into your heart every week. Check back for all the juicy campus gossip, but watch out, you don’t want your Friday night escapades to end up here.
You may have had one too many during NSO, but we can guarantee you didn’t do anything as sloppy as one convicted freshman. In all the years Highbrow has Rounded Up freshies embarrassing themselves, nothing has spoken to us so completely as the guy who got arrested at Commons at 7:30, directly before Convocation. No other details are available at this time, but we’d like to take this moment to thank you, random drunk Commons freshman, for redefining Round–Up–worthy content. We salute you and hope your pregame was worth it.
The nicest boys on campus are already taking a beating. At one of their first ragers, a group of frosh lacrosse players (cue the lax pinnies and mid–calf socks), got a bit too rowdy after what, we’re assuming, was no more than three beers, prompting the K Sig brothers to kick them out. Banned from re–entry, one lax bro took matters into his own hands and broke a beer bottle over a Kappa Sig brother’s head. Instead of fighting back, the frat bro did what any good Penn gentleman would do... threatened to start a lawsuit. No mention on where it’s going yet, but whatevs, the settlement money won’t be able to buy Kappa Sig a better pledge class anyway.
In a stunning display of social decline, rivaling that of only Macaulay Culkin and Amanda Bynes, OWLS failed to recognize that the only people who still purchase OWLS Brunch tickets are under 21. Turning away a majority of the 600 people expected, those denied entrance were prevented from enjoying the company of their four person pledge class on a waterlogged raft this past weekend. As if it weren’t embarrassing enough, an OWLS banger was shut down this NSO... after half an hour. The 25 party guests were very disappointed. Don’t worry, it can only go up from here, maybe they’ll have a five person pledge class this semester.
Wake up AXO bitches, one and only one freshman boy wants to party with you! A random drunk boy apparently broke into the AXO chapter house late one NSO night with the excuse he “was just trying to dance.” The girls threw him out, but maybe next time they’ll wait for the striptease
